ang buhay ko

update

2008-02-27T22:28:00.002+08:00

bloody busy
been so messed up
currently struggling on studies
working as business writer/assistant
wanting so much too hang out with friends
but having so much fun in sch...
i love my buds!!!
peace y'all
sch ends march 18

a worse part of the day

2007-12-12T18:57:00.000+08:00

these eyelids moan
as if freshly carved
and the slits are too narrow
to see the sunrise smile

welded onto the bedsheets
futile attempts to pull back
dreams that run like water
loosen up, loosen up

that stinging, acrid taste
the numbness of the room
drowning among pillows
white, irascible pillows

as the bubbles file out the sink
as the fog on the mirror sighs away
as towels and curtains stretch
godspeed, godspeed

do not read this

2007-12-02T06:02:00.000+08:00

for the first time since god knows when, i woke up today fresh and happy. this is, you must comprehend, is a moment in a million. for all my teenage life, i've been waking up with a heavy heart, grumpy, tired and still wanting to go back to sleep but unable to. i basically hate waking up. but this morning was magical.

it might be my dream ( i can't really remember. i've had dreams of similar context. like i belonged to some secret society and where up to something fishy), it might be mr magorium's wonderful emporium (i like it so much. made me so happy). it might be because i'm going to buy na my drums. i might be because i just learnt how to solve a rubik's cube. it might be because i learnt new djembe techniques. it might be because i learnt not to follow other's advices and learnt the importance of letting go of yourself and trusting friends (which i haven't tried yet. wait lag kasi).

but for the first time since november 1, i am happy. it's been hell for the past month but right now. i feel so light. enlightenment ang puta. it was the moment i woke up. praning. why cant i be a buddhist. stupid that i dunno why I'm happy. so dumb. i dun really care na that if my source of happiness is chimerical kasi desperado. baliw. i might be going crazy. well i consider myself mad anyways.

THE MAYBE ECLIPSE OF A FRIENDSHIP

2007-11-29T04:38:00.000+08:00

a stroll in the darkness
in the tamed darkness
the chill endears like a blanket

voices splatter the void
yet singular as before

in the anticipating darkness
to confidently grope
for nothing

maybe for the feel of a knife
the stab spreads warmth

in the clear darkness
assured with sundry plans
certain with a plethora of strategy

if only initiation was possible
as this eclipse is a blotch of chains

in the effervescing darkness
where strings of misery
translate into fleshy ropes of anguish

with a vacuum of monsters
the insanity expands

in the crammed darkness
nothing presents itself
and she become invisible

or am i the one who really
fails to exist

in the darkness

decayed

2007-11-20T17:54:00.000+08:00

i am dead
so fucking dead
no, i wish i am dead
i'm dying to face death
why am i so stupid to be holding on to this fucked up life
why must history repeat itself over and over
this sucks
so much
everyday, for 20 days i've been dying
i have had 20 deaths
no, every heart beat is death
and 20 days seemed like 20 knives and 20 decades
why the fuck am i still breathing?
maybe someday i'll live again without having to die too much
yet it seems so impossible
the future i see is pitch black
who knows what things breed in darkness?
yet in darkness they breed for there is no light
because when there is light, there is shadow
and the shadows always eat them alive
so they stay in darkness
and wait for death
thus in darkness you have friends you could never see
in light you are alone and your carcass exposed
but it is only subjected under you own scrutiny
i wanna die
now
so i don't need to wait in the darkness for death
i want to be eaten alive to end this absurd life one and for all
FUCK!

tejido's exhibit at 1/of gallery, serendra

2007-11-10T16:24:00.000+08:00

can't bear with this anymore

2007-11-06T17:55:00.000+08:00

you there, inside the ship, can you feel the havoc outside?

(digital image)

not all the time you are present

2007-11-02T22:40:00.000+08:00

which is better; to experience a harrowing amount of pain en masse or to be exposed to a comparable degree of torment cumulatively? is it more preferable to be suddenly stabbed with a butcher knife or be pricked with a needle daily (on a singular location)?

when one suffers the impact of disturbing forces collectively, the body also reacts to these forces collectively. these collective reactions occurs concurrently with the intense forces. in these situations, one is hypersensitive to these reactions. to feel the trickle of moist blood as if it is the gush of a roaring waterfall. the throbbing is like a vehement fist pounding on the door. the heartbeats are like successive explosions of bombs. the tears sting the eyes as if attempting to drown it in the ocean bed. the sweat like an awkward blanket of grease. the gasps for air sound like a production of a humongous, malfunctioning machine. the tension of the muscles is like a metal vise clamped on wood. the screams like the sands of the shore, each grain forced down the throat and ears. all these mordantly imply that throughout the pandemonium, we are still alive. all these are simultaneously happening and the victim desires ardently for it to cease. but once it does, the agony is gone as quickly as it came. when the blood clots, the throbbing stops, the heartbeats calm down, the tears dries up, the sweat wiped, the breathing slows down, the tension eases and the screams echoes off, all that is left is mirror of memories. one can see those memories only when one looks at oneself, down at the deepest depths.

what of those who bear with the daily needle pricks? there are those who are affected with a similar amount of pain but the agony is moderated as it is divided and delivered on a stretched duration. there are three stages one often encounters here. at first, the constantly present disturbing force (which exists throughout the three stages) could be neglected. one can feel the pain but dismisses it because of its paucity. like a speck of dirt on your pants. this might be the shortest stage depending on one's tolerance or rather, insensitivity. secondly, the minute forces are eventually compiled and so the torment is concentrated. it has now become hard to ignore. like an ugly, brown stain on you pants. the spot where one is continuously pricked now becomes irritated. in this stage, the pain reaches its peak. third, there is a possibility of acclimation to the force hereafter, which also results to apathy. one has gotten accustomed to the hurt until one is immune to it. pain is united with the victim. thus, one is indifferent to whether the pain will cease or not because there is a speculation that no alteration will take place. that all will be the same with or without pain. in reality, there is, and one will only know when an actual change is felt. until then, one is numb not only to pain but to other emotions as well because of the severity of the damage done. one will feel nothing. we could say, it is almost as if one is dead.

either way, we could not escape one fact; that there is pain. it is always present, thought not all the time. we must accept that we cannot live life without it, though we could find ways to elude it. However, when you do have to face pain and you have a choice, which would you choose?

won't you comprehend

2007-10-30T12:41:00.000+08:00

i was talking to a star earlier

me: i'm sick of it. if i could puke it out i would. too much. too long.

star: what is this subject you speak of?

me: i've been dragging my feet and the metal chains anchored onto it are screeching as it caress the cemented ground. the chains. they cut my ankles. but you know what, this struggle is the only thing i have to boast of, though not a soul knows. oh, i'm sure of the ideas they have. but let them contemplate on uncertainty.

star: would you care to explain that.

me: i have a gem buried deep inside my muddy heart. i alone could see that gem shine. yet sometimes, it's incandescence peeps through loose soil. audience nearby can only guess where are those silky rays coming from.

star: why don't you dig it out?

me: i'm ashamed. ironic that i call it a gem huh?

star: why don't you just throw it then? give it to someone else?

me: are you retarded or what? call yourself a star. of course i have to dig it out first right? like i said, i'm ashamed to do so. plus, without it, i'm rendered inhuman. empty. void, nothing. like a temple without an altar, without columns or poles, my body would crumble.

star: a soul?

me: no, it's not my soul. i think i've lost that. or it's rotting somewhere above those trees.

star: i do not comprehend.

me: how could you? your not human.

star: no, elaborate.

me: you know those bus tickets.

star: you are hard to follow

me: i used to collect them. they're so pretty. something about them that i can't quite put a finger on. but i never really knew how to ride a bus. unaware of where it leads, when it stops. despised its moldy, deteriorated seats, its narrow aisle, its dried smell. i would rather take the train, but if wasn't for those enchanted, retro, cool bus tickets. oh, its nobility, it's refined memories.

star: i have never rode a bus before

me: of course you haven't you dumb fuck. your a bloody star for the love of buddha. your rich, fragile, pristine, you would only dirty your polished shoes and crisp white coat. though there's a possibility that your glory would also incinerate the bus down to cosmic dust.

star: i guess your right

me: god, i wanna die.

star: pardon? have you changed our topic?

me: what topic?

star: are you feeling suicidal?

me: eww. no. i'm not that stupid. you think i'm weak and dimwitted to result to suicide? i treasure life as it is.

star: but you just said you wanted to die.

me: do i have to explain everything? anyways, i take pleasure in explaining myself. i'm a balloon. i have an impulse to soar high. higher. and a child keeps me down. i like children. they're anchors to the ground. like those metal chains. i'm tied to their little hands and bob around. but the thing is. it's sembreak. i'm so fucking bored. and there's no one there. no family. i never had any family. no friends. they are all far off to some land with their own children. and the child is gone. so i'm alone, desperate, and with an impulse to soar high. so i do. i'm light. unstable. i fly away from earth, away from reality. far above the clouds. into space. outer space. where there's no air. no water. no life. only darkness. then light. then darkness. and more darkness.

star: that's why you are here!

me: wow! you clever! duh. i'm on my way higher. maybe, even reach the sun. so that she may incinerate me into cosmic dust. like a bus. do you get it now?

star: get it? no. not quite

me: too bad then. i'll see you when i see you.

it really was a star assholes. it's not a metaphor of some person. no. acting deep is it?. and yes, i am perfectly sane.

ellen and her stripped socks

2007-10-30T11:27:00.000+08:00

i took these pics from the tv itself. spur of the moment. see that red ribbon on the top right corner with the 2nd ave logo? on the second picture? it's for breast cancer. October is breast cancer awareness month. so check your breasts. pinch away!

i'm so bloody bored i feel like dying

2007-10-27T11:21:00.000+08:00

have you listened to RJ-UR(underground radio) 105.9fm?

god, they play good music there. from classic to modern rock. mostly rock. i've heard bush, ted nugent, led zep, mica, stone temple pilots, and even bjork once. like woah! it's a nice fresh break from the stupid, retarded, commercialized music we have now a days.

they play local rock music too. not bad you know, the local stuff. but i'm not much of a fun though.

very very cool music! great for artists, stoners, alcoholics, musicians and music lovers. sometimes the commercials are fun. i would listen to it 24/7 if i can!

but i have a huge problem with the frequency. static all the time. and their DJs SUCK! their cheesy, monotonous and they stutter a lot! like they mispronounce every other word. it's soooo bad. i mean, ok, their diction isn't that bad. but i just want to tear my hair off because it gets frustrating when they keep on stuttering. retarded, tongue-tied baboons.

but anyways, it's cool. try it one time! two time!

love conquers all

2007-10-26T10:36:00.000+08:00

i am a ravenous tiger
an unquenchable hunger
masters my wild soul

run away! far away

i am a meek house
my sole purpose in life
is to protect and comfort

come and go as you wish

i am a pail of stagnant water
quivering at the slightest touch
but there's a sea storm

leave me be and it goes stronger

i am a weary bird
quavering wings
barely keep me in air

i need soft, warm branches

i am a big, big tree
take my wood, fruit, sap
take me, take me

i give you my all

i am a human being
with the power to create
and destroy

but love conquers all

2007-10-23T11:57:00.001+08:00

having swings

wake me up when september ends

2007-10-23T10:22:00.000+08:00

debuts (18th birthdays) this september

breathing for eternity

2007-10-20T11:37:00.000+08:00

to see you, even a glimpse, is to witness the lilies bud in spring. your smile is the sparkling of each petal with new life as it welcomes summer. to hear your voice is to listen to the breeze caressing each blade of grass, each blooming rose in a bewitched field. to feel you is feeling each raindrop be relinquished by the raging storm and fall onto the earth as a blessing. your eyes enchant the evening sky. to touch you is to touch the clouds. when your close to me heaven is near. to know you is knowing angels do actually exist. to dream of you is dreaming a fairytale that does not have a happy ending because it never ends. breathing you in is to breathe for eternity. to thinking of you is the only thing i must do everyday so that each day is complete. to remember you is remembering that i am alive and that life is worth living. being with you is searching across and below the expanse of the oceans and realize that home is what i've been looking for.

2007-10-19T14:33:00.000+08:00

love. men have disgraced you, tampered with your sovereignty. you're a diamond entombed in mud. occasionally, some will exhume you to your former your luster. but more often than not, they blame you for their failures, their mistakes, the consequences of maltreating your power. they associate their pain with you. how could they? love. you are far from these. these miseries, these complications, these misfortunes are far from you. and they push you away. love. they reject you. they consider you as evil. even men's religions and philosophies condemn you. and they use these to defile your name. it is not you. it is how they practise you. they have made their sins synonymous with you. they mask their trespasses with you. but without you, a dismal world this would become, though it already is. love.

clown by day, inamorato by night

2007-10-16T21:59:00.000+08:00

across the tents, day saunters
faceless children struggle
bore through a frosted window

impasto lipstick, trademark smile
shrivelled jester hat
tripping on elongated shoes

as the grey afternoon droops
night's screams flare
reflected by awakened eyes

that scent of sweet strawberries
at times, of exotic coconut
linger, ever so genteel, and inspire

polished songs of rustling leaves
stars painting a luminous genre
divulge tumultuous sentiments

oh the tumult, indeed
brusque, irregular existence
the great tumult, indeed

the spaghetti stains

2007-10-16T18:27:00.000+08:00

remember the spaghetti stains
on the clothes
sides of the mouth and cheeks

the gashes on the knees
dirty feet hands
unkempt hair

do you miss them?

the rhymes we sang at school
crooked Es and the awkward Ls
the haphazard but colourful drawings
pure in its spontaniety

and skimming story books
discarding those without pictures
if they do
delved into their straw houses
their vanila castles
ride with winged unicorns
until they were translated to reality

climb trees, pretending to be wendy
or dress up as a princess in gowns

entering houses
itching to look into those cabinets
those ajar doors
their knobs varnished and beguiling
oh the worlds inside them
treasure chests
hidden rooms
antique rocking chairs
fading pictures
tattered books
and what's that thing?

the bed used to be hard to climb onto
the garden used to stretch to eternity

and perhaps most of all

to hold mother's hand again
as when crossing the road
be carried by uncle
face fitting snugly on his shoulders

under dinning tables with sister
counting polished shoes

numb

2007-10-13T10:37:00.000+08:00

i think of you. i think about you most of the time. yet, sometimes, i don't. and those "sometimes" are when i am distracted by the intricacies of life. they are those scattered rays of light that elude the cave walls, flowers that color the desert, poems buried in a thick atlas. they are god's gift to me and i am blessed with quietude.

for when i do think of you, a war is waged inside of me. each feelings grapple with another. the wounds are all mine. the blood is all mine. the deaths are all mine. so each time i think of you, i deal with a thousand wounds, a rain of blood and a million deaths. inside me. where no one can see. no one. not even you. and you probably go on enduring your life not knowing that someone is wounded, someone is bleeding, someone is dying because of you.

imagine if i do think of you all the time. well, maybe i did or i've gotten used to it.

homesick

2007-10-11T21:04:00.000+08:00

I WANNA GO BACK TO PHILIPPINES!
SOME ONE PLEASE!!!
this is writ ironically

i'm a withering bee
not a flower to be found
the only flower
that waters my soul

2007-10-10T14:14:00.000+08:00

MY MOTHER READS MY BLOG!!!

crap

irrationality of love

2007-10-06T22:31:00.000+08:00

you said you'll catch me when i fall
but you never did open your hands

you said you'd die for me
yet never did you live for me

so i said i'll always believe you
and salvaged my pieces around your feet

fridays i'm in love

2007-09-22T20:34:00.000+08:00

nag meditate si paola while waiting for people to come(5:oopm)

crossing the road papunta sa jeep stop

hntay ng jeep. kwentuhan muna! (6:30pm)

jeep papunta sa mrt

first time ni paola. on tight security and surveillance. baka mawala at kidnapin

aldrin as bodyguard

cian nag bbantay din

luckily tapos na rush hour so nakaupo at picturan

escalator... first time din ata ni paola d2...

yes nkasurvive at nka labas in one piece! congrats to paola... we are proud of you!

tagal ni raf nag pa load...

jeep papunta ng bhay... nag kanina bumili donuts pinagantay yung buong jeep

bahay at last (7.30pm)

pride of las pinas!

todo smile ni ina... happy n happy ha... bakit kaya

dean had too much beer. nasusuka n!

mga gwapings ng UPCFA painting. plus hand ni jeona

ramos cousins in d haws

yuck naiiyak... the cake was DELICIOUS! tnx! catalina n caroline b bumili?

ceremoniously cutting the cake... pretty much

ate em n kuya rex. nagsarili mag take ng pic

hello!

bili tayo yosi sa 7 eleven at makapag vandal

strolling around makati...

lets go!

carlo(s) and company... whoever u r

lalala

naks... submit n natin sa bench!!!

see no good. speak no good. hear no good.

talaga to si carlo 4ever nkkextra

naks aldrin talaga... send n rin natin sa bench!

manu! isa pang bench!

n2log n si jerome

success si cian...

pang apat n kaha

manu! baka habulin k ng bench

jerome pang limang kaha

si raf nhhrapan pang mag buga

tama n yan inuman n

raf's turn to bench

best friends for eternity (12:00mn real birthday na!)

4AM p umalis yung iba eh... not umalis actually.. hehe
tnx for all who came. really made my day! my birthday!
tnx for presents
for all those who didnt come: LOSERS!
but i understand and i love u all still.

MABUHAY ANG ART!!!
UPCFA studio art ROCKS the hell out!!!

i feel so small, unworthy

2007-09-19T19:59:00.000+08:00

The Grass so little has to do –
by Emily Dickinson

The Grass so little has to do –
A Sphere of simple Green –
With only Butterflies to brood
And Bees to entertain –
And stir all day to pretty Tunes
The Breezes fetch along –
And hold the Sunshine in its lap
And bow to everything –

And thread the Dews, all night, like Pearls –
And make itself so fine
A Duchess were too common
For such a noticing –

And even when it dies – to pass
In Odors so divine –
Like Lowly spices, lain to sleep –
Or Spikenards, perishing –

And then, in Sovereign Barns to dwell –
And dream the Days away,
The Grass so little has to do
I wish I were a Hay –

handcuffs and bruised wrists

2007-09-10T22:32:00.000+08:00

words scored on the walls
echoing restless tapping fingers
unable to capture the trickle of blood

if so
what about those flickering lights
briefly distinguished silhouettes

if so
what about those bread crumbs
that entice birds from their flight

if so
what about those stacks of papers
obscuring sunrises and sunsets

handcuffs and bruised wrists
hands tucked in bulging pockets
letters yellowing in bottom drawers

black and white photographs
blank eyes and passive smiles
what are they even smiling for?

lately

2007-09-08T11:04:00.000+08:00

crazies

oh happy day...

yuck... bad ass

make iyak?

scary!!!

senti... dapat

i have no idea...

been so busy lately... no time to update...
bittersweetness of life dude...

caroline's party

2007-08-19T18:48:00.000+08:00

it really makes me wonder why the substances adults get addicted to, like drugs, cigarettes, cafine and alcohol, have to be so damn bitter. and why do they have lifethreatening side effects if taken too much? is god really annoyed when we are having fun? well odd enough, that i can't seem to get hooked onto most of those substances. well, just a thought.

anyways, the party was fun enough. people started coming late. i went home early, around 11pm i'll say. it'll be hard to go home with the racket god's doing up there causing his pee to fall. flooded all over. so had i ride with cous back home. so pretty much missed the true fun of the party. damn. wa burning up though. was it the punch? tomato...

Coraline

2007-08-16T21:06:00.000+08:00

just read coraline by neil geiman (given by a wonderful friend). basically, I LOVED IT! well yeah.

i loved the plot. how coraline was free to roam at first. then she's enslaved by curiosity, and after that, obligate to save her parents, then completely trapped in the other world when the 'other mother' got hold of the key. she is fettered with more obligations to rescue the three souls trapped in there too. but a silver lining appeared when she struck a deal with 'the other mother' and the stone gave her a tiny ray of hope. but it all came crashing down when 'the other mother' cheated. despite all these, her determination and the cat led to their escape. one final obstacle, the hand, still restricted her. but soon, she eliminated that and finally was liberated again. hence, the plot was superb.

the idea and content, likewise, was excellent. i often liked to think that kids have more than meets the eye and they can actually be strong and ingenious at times. that though they are always looked down upon, they can do what adults can. i always liked childhood elements. the key advantage of this type of books, which is fiction, was well handled. i just can't imagine a child going through all those. traumatic. yet i believed. unlike other children's storybooks like artemis fowl. i think because the book was purely childlike.

i find stephen king more heart-racing. though it did make my heart skip beats a few times. it was scary enough. or is it that the ambiance interfered at that time (my cousin watching tv). however, i would prefer gaiman's style of writing over king's. artsy. metamorphic. i liked it much. but honestly, i was unsatisfied. i don't know, maybe just didn't hit the right spot. nevertheless, few books leave me astonished and content. in conclusion it was a good book.

mag:net

2007-08-12T20:13:00.000+08:00

went to magnet last friday to watch pinikpikan caroline reserved seats for us. catalina, dean, francis, aldrin, trina and i went along (walang hya yung mga nang indian). i have to say i really liked the band. it's ethnic sound mixed with the electrical guitar was a little bit odd but sounded beautiful. intricate arrangements. lots of effects. all performers stoned. haha. the place was fogged up because of the cigar smoke! can't help it. and all was good. it was a good show. everyone danced only at the last song. then after that they were like "MORE" and i was like, they performed umpteen songs, why didn't you dance along since then! DUH. i was actually listening to the song only. can't see the band perform beacause a bloody tall white boy and a fat ass lady was in front of me. i gave up all hopes and just listened. the white boy bothered me a lot. he looked so goody-two-shoes and even might have resembled harry potter when his older. but he was smoking, his fat ass gf was smoking like hell and he danced like a gnome. seriously it was horrible and painful to look at. then, i sent the guys home around 1am. trina was wasted. haha. took pictures only at the end of the whole thing. bummer.

2007-08-09T13:39:00.000+08:00

why do you have to be such an ass.
i'm just playing

guilt

2007-07-25T21:00:00.000+08:00

a beautiful song that faded
though i really wanted
to familiarize myself with
melody repeating over and over
bridge to chorus
yet never complete
snapped my fingers trying to recall
it is a shame
i really would have searched
under the covers, on top of shelves
in every page of every book
maybe i tucked you in there
i never did look
i substituted you for other songs
that were more accessible
though the phone is beside me
and the bus ride is actually short
it must be quite an experience
to know you more
to decipher you
how you waited for me to find you
how you were composed for me
how you kept knocking at my door
throwing stones at my window
or could that be guilt
but i never listened
as if wanting you to do fade
maybe without "as if"

empty light

2007-07-22T17:55:00.000+08:00

empty light

i stole this image and rendered it charcoal. to the owner: sorry, if you want me to put credits i will. anyways (mwahaha ironical somehow). this is for my techniques class again. basically my room (wait, i don't have a room, i'm living with my aunt! oops) is now black because of charcoal residue all over. but its not that big, the plate i mean. i used half a canson paper for ground. it was fun. hey! it looks like a book cover. eww.

the 25th annual putnam county spelling bee

2007-07-22T12:36:00.000+08:00

watched ateneo rep's production yesterday with ate em and kuya rex and trina. suppose to watch with tania too but she mysteriously failed to show up (oooohhh). this is the second time i watched it. it's that good. first time was last fri with trina which was better than yesterday's in terms of crowd response and sitting. but the everything else was equally good for both.

it was hilarious really! some parts were tearful too. i liked it so much. there's so much contrast going on. i like i like. the play itself was sufficiently deep and meaningful. it relates very much to teenagers and what crap we go through. yes yes. hackneyed. but each character portrayed their problems uniquely, problems like religion, parental control, self-confidence, puberty, loneliness, gender et cetera. i liked the development of each character as the play progressed. pressured, all of them broke down at one point of the spelling bee and most found their way out. no one was left unexposed. nice. thumbs up for finn, sheinkin and feldman.

acting wise, all of them did a superb job. the "bee" had problems with his diction but he was just adorable. i liked the marcy park the best! she's is SO CUTE!!! i wanna hug her and squeeze her till she bursts (eww). and i liked coneybear too! he's so possessed! and logainne! "YESST!" anyways. singing was mediocre. only the vice principal doughlas, the peretti host and the olive had pretty good voices. others had the voices but it wasn't just there. my favorite track was the "the i love you song". pure, solemn and oh so true. the olive was magnificent! the technicals was horrible at times. but who cares about them. most of the time technicals really ruin everything in any play. so that's cool.

putting all of those aside, i say they did the tony award justice. B-R-A-V-O, BRAVO! i am so downloading the songs.

had dinner at cibo after that. i like their interiors as always. mixed with modern contemporary and oriental. edgy and manly i say. and had fun with triny!

Splintered and Thorned

2007-07-08T17:06:00.001+08:00

There was a tree before, amid the desert. It exuberated life, a beacon to everyone that paradise is near after the long desert walk. A distinct sign of the oasis. One can see it far from where it is, thus giving hope to all.

Suddenly, a sandstorm materialized. Its ferocity tore all that existed. Its rage was merciless and unrelenting. The tree lay there in the aftermath. Soon, it decomposed. Its leaves gave up, losing its lustrous green for a crispy brown, then they dissolved and escaped with the wind. All that was left was a withering piece of log. Splintered and thorned. The wooden log was stamped by the nomads, defaced by the beasts and battered by the even more storms. In time, it faded like the sun at dusk, and it receded by the sides of the desert dunes.

One day, a little girl pranced by. Her hair cascaded down like a golden waterfall, her porcelain skin shimmered like the moon. her eyes were wide, her nose was nicely chiseled and she had the sweetest smile that shamed the sun. Her dress marked her as a bourgeoisie, with its ribbons and ruffles. Because of her innocence and curiosity, she noticed things that are often dismissed. She walked up to the wooden log. "Who are you?" she asked. " Do not mind me," moaned the log, "I'm just an old wooden log. Splintered and thorned."

"A wooden log! I've seen those before!" The little girl chirped with excitement. "But why do you look apart from others, might i ask?"

"Well, I will spare a little girl of a dismal story. Trudge along now or your mother will be looking for you." said the log.

The little girl was disappointed, but stubborn as she is, she stayed on her ground. "Still, I want to know!" she pouted. She sat down beside the wooden log, her ironed dress now stained by the earth. The wooden log sighed and began. It muttered its past and as it did, tears trickled down its rough surface. The little girl listened, but she was unaffected for she does not know what adversity is. Yet she tried to pat the log because that was what her mother did when she fell down the stairs the other day. However, the wooden log was splintered and thorned and her finger was pricked. The little girl started sobbing as it was bleeding.

"My apologies my young lady. For all that touched me left a mark. Nevertheless, i am grateful for that as it became my means of defense. For a similar cause, my pale and bland interior is protected by my coarse and dark covering. But it is a shame that all had come to this." said the wooden log

The little girl dried her tears but they came again for she carried the wooden log, splintered and thorned, in her arms. What the wooden log said confused her. However, she figured it must not be different from falling down the stairs. She plodded back to her company, hoping to give the wooden log shelter from its misery. At first the log was puzzled, but he softened at the little girl's display of concern. As she carried the wooden log, it felt as if its burden was left by the sides of
the desert dunes.

While she was walking, her mother spotted her from afar and ran towards her. "My daughter, where have you been? I've been worried sick! Why do you do this to me and your father? It's getting late and we must be on our way." the little girl's mother was scarlet with anger. "And what, in the name of heavens, is that hideous thing! It's splintered and thorned! You're an imprudent little girl. put that away!" her mother snatched her hand and yanked her back to their convoy. The wooden log was torn from her grasp and discarded back into its depression, by the sides of the the desert dunes. The little girl's resistance was futile. However, sooner or later, she will forget the incident, only to be a vague shadow lingering in her memories.

As they vanished from sight, the wooden log lay there in the aftermath. Splintered and thorned.. "However different, yet another mark." he lamented.

eraser drawing for techniques class - tree

2007-07-01T20:34:00.000+08:00

wahh... it's so ugly. i suck. and believe me that pic is waayyyy better than the actual drawing. i want to cry. how the hell did i get in UP in the first place? the teachers there must b blind. and not that im critisizing or anything. but sheesh... look at that thing. never again will i do eraser drawings.

my cous maris helped me with this. and no it wasn't her fault coz she just did the initial shading of the whole ground for a value so i can erase the stain there. that's the whole purpose of eraser drawing right?

looking back

2007-06-30T22:12:00.000+08:00

re-read my past blog posts. gosh how much i've changed. grown. watever. it's like looking at a photo album or an old silent movie and i see and reminisce how naive, cheesy, childish i've been before. reading the past. what fun. some of the posts really cracked me up. some opened old wounds. others made me cringe with emarassment. but this is certainly intresting. seeing myself in another light. enlightening. certainly. ah... the pleasure of diaries, journals, blogs. never again will i abandon you. right...

i'm fine

2007-06-30T21:15:00.001+08:00

trembled right there and then
indicisive at first
unsure heartbeats resonated inside
standing there straight and stiff
trying to be acceptable and perfect

like an apple
blood red apple being peeled
do you see that bright scarlet hue
vivacious, burning, sleek
then u reduced me
stripped my mask, layers, my hard work
it spirals and i am bare before you
pale yellow interior
ashen dull and dead
such contrast
such shame

yet i feel more at ease, loose
almost tipsy
now that you've seen all of me
so you have all of me
uncut pristine complete
judge me critique me
and i know it'll be sincere
honest and unerring

wrath

2007-06-30T00:02:00.001+08:00

you know, that thing
that thing
makes trees catch fire
and its blaze, they don't dance
they explode in a raging tempo
like a soprano reaching its climax
peircing
spreading rapidly through out

that thing
it makes that sound
like the elephants' stampede
stirs the wind
it howls
it sends the traveler sprinting for cover
or crouching close to the floor
so as not to be tossed up the sky

that thing
it distorts the countenance of the sea
so that waves no longer march in the same direction
they splutter all over
colliding at each other
hitting rocks and dispersing sands
disturbing the ocean floor

with the aftermath of that thing
all is destroyed
and thus the earth is cracked
the soil, lose
plants uprooted
houses wrecked
and blood bathes the land

that thing
can never quite control it
a leash will be too weak
a chain, futile
it's like trying to stop a gale
or an inferno
or an earthquake
or a waterfall
with bare hands
who can succeed such a feat
that feat
that thing

so...

2007-06-28T20:20:00.000+08:00

i rush the day
everyday
ever so fondly
and when i near my home
my feet are beside themselves
and when sit and fondle with my pen
my fingers twitch
as i smoothen out the papers
i hear them sing to me
sweet yet crisp

and when the moon awakes
i pour the words that were brimming
words i wanted to say to you but never did
when we were together a minute ago
words that i swallow
that cause me to bite my tounge

then i write novels about us
i paint landscapes with two of us holding hands
i read poetries that remind me of you
and i love you but only in my poems
and in those stanzas i am dauntless
i am romantic
i am all you ever wanted and needed
and i am in love

but those are not me when your around
those are of some distant hero that we read about
for all i am is a coward
not that this is a worthless battle
all i am is indifferent
yet all i cared about is you
for all i am is inadequate
but i will give you all of me
for all i am is just a friend
who, unfortunately, will be forever beside you
and not forever be with you

stay

2007-06-26T20:45:00.000+08:00

every morning when light trickles from behind
i open my eyes only to shut them back
so that that vivid dream of you would stay

everytime i breathe in the memories of yesterday
or even the just nows
my heart aches blissfully
it makes me smile

and every walk along roses and tulips
i never did stay; like the others
for the two hands walk past me
and they never did stay either
and i feel wasted
for those moments walking could have been
moments of companionship
moments of my smile or ours
and not the tulips' or the roses'; as they're ment to

and when the moment comes
colours shift
the wind stops whistling
and it aches blissfully again

and when the moment comes
those hands, i no longer can see
for a moment
though your gone
they stay

michael buble - everything

2007-06-25T22:09:00.000+08:00

utterly in - L O V E with this bloody song. it really pulls certain heart strings, dun you think? argh! to all sadist: see?! there still are happy songs that are nice, once upon a time. so super sobrang like it talaga *whinny assumption voice.

PS why am i so commercial nowadays? this blog used to be asthetic. damn.

college life

2007-06-22T22:35:00.000+08:00

shit. im in college. so far it has been:

confusing - because the system sucks. queues. directions. transport. i get lost so many times. and the faculty does not know how to inform us of any events or requirements. wonder why they get our emails and addresses for (even blogs and multipies!)? to let it rot in the cupboard? i wish they have online thing where we can register online. or maybe they could update their website so we can get information easily from net. or they could answer the bloody phone or put more lines. for the umpteen times a called, not one was answered.

bored - the breaks are like 1 to 2 hrs long and my friends and i have different schedules. profs come 15 to 30 mins late. the lessons are starting to beome mundane.

tiring - i take mrt to school then i ride the jeep. since U.P. is as big as zimbabwe (wha?) i have to walk or take the jeep from one place to another. my bag is so heavy as shit because it is full of art crap. it's heatstroke-hot. profs starting to give lots of plates. homeworks. the facilities are rubbish. we seriously look like one of those charity schools who recieve free charity stuff like books, computers, tables. even orphans have better stuff than us.

fun - friends and school mates rock! college would totally suck without them. classes would be dead. breaks would be three times long as it is. without them i'll consider begging in streets than to go through college as a loner. teachers are super funny. their respectable, knowledgeable and reasonable (except for half-dead math teacher). so that's cool.

exciting - college! a new start. i sooo want to graduate with honors. and i sooo wanna be a varsity player (if i can reach court in time). dreams...

new friends made. these are the only pics i have so far.

tania
naive
bait
cheerful
positive
hyperactive

caroline
makulit
tawa ng tawa ng
mataray (joke)
mabait

trina
makulit
makulit parin
mabait din
bata isip

artmala

2007-06-22T20:55:00.001+08:00

vinta karim

installation of spices on 700 meters of cloth

even outside i could smell the distinct scent of spices. as i walk in, the lighting, the smell, the texture, colours everything seemed serene and unified. each element compliment the others. some contrasted to create some highlights, for examplt, the wooden stool ot the spices itself againts the cloth. i wasn't able to take in the whole installation as i was in a hurry. will go again on monday.

out with bfs

2007-06-03T21:51:00.000+08:00

went out with ibro jer and ahlong today at orchard. looked at some exihbits. went to lasalle to take check which we were too late for. kerna scolded like hell by mother. then went bp plaza and ate with jermain and yuanlong at yoshinoya (was it?). went home. had fun though. gonna miss u guys!

shrek the third

2007-06-03T21:07:00.000+08:00

watched with ate em, kuya rex and shasha

funny, oh wait, tickle me.

nah, it was funny, really

but forgetable

i stand for JT

amusing enough
nice OST

adequate animations

pirates of the carribean

2007-06-03T20:28:00.000+08:00

watched this with youth at cathay house

pros:

stunning effects

superb costumes

balanced staging

comedy (might be trying hard at times)

breath-taking animation

nerve-racking fighting scenes

amazing sceneries

cons:

confusing plot

complicaed storyline

too intertwined

cryptic accents

i have always been a fun of piracy so, it was a blast for me. however, one needs to watch previous movies before enlightenment. but i super adored it. kiera knightly is hot! super hot! sizzling hot. so is orlando bloom. no regrets.

el laberinto del fauno

2007-05-05T15:06:00.000+08:00

my review for pan's labrynith:

complicated
accidentally funny
morbid
bloody
stories do not connect well
good cast
cool graphics
certainly not a kids movie
our favourite character was the pale man

watched with lala, jv and jenny. the movie theatre was so isolated. maybe out of 200 seats only 10 was there. so we were talking, screaming anf laughing out loud. it was crazy. it was cold and we took many trips to the toilet. after that went to walk around sm. it was so boring. we were just walking and we can't decide were to go. we ate at shakey's and shared pizza. and then went home. lala was left at the mall. it was fun in the movie theatre and was fun going home. haha. lala was mute though. duh.

spidey 3

2007-05-05T14:47:00.000+08:00

watched spiderman 3. here are my critques:

the story was a bore.
the romance sparks were gone
i was bored at the first part
i felt it was draggy
there were so much characters
the plot was complicated
bad spidey was hot
cool effects
good animation
nice graphics

watched with bess, tj and jv. after that ate at kenny rogers. then went home. pedestrian.

ding

2007-05-05T13:29:00.000+08:00

overnight-ed at, my friend, juveth's house.
three days two nights. 2 may to 4 may.
at first mom was reluctant. she permitted a night only. but in the end she said yes; what could parents do nowadays huh? i wanted to commute but with the insanity of the weather and the bulk i was carrying, i was having second thoughts. my aunt said the driver could send me but i have to wait for another day as she was going to the dentist the on 3 may and it was on the way so i can tag along. futhermore, the altis was on coding on that day (2 may, wed) so my uncle took the crv, my cousin was off with the vios. so left with the trooper. we only use the trooper on road trips with the whole family because of mass gas consumption. so since the trip was short and it was only me, it's a really waste of gas. so with all the complications i was telling myself, i think i should wait for my aunt and postpone the for another day. but i didn't want to spoil the plan and i was packed so i insisted on going on that day (2 may. had to lie a bit though mwaha *evil laugh).

i almost killed myself for my stubborness. the trooper's aircon was broken so it was an inferno in there! dizzyness was permanent through the whole 1 hr trip. sweating my ass off. fuck the weather! we rollled down the windows and we realized it was even colder outside! as the sweet cool air rushed in, i was thinking we should have thought about this earlier! shit me!

anyways, the heat persitsted through the whole damned overnight thing. it was scorching, hated that. felt sticky even after a bath. fuck the weather! i was pleased to see my friends. childhood friends. lala, bess, jenny. all of us grew up now. changes here and there. did some catching up. visiting old places was amusing. so much so that i grazed my feet. bummer. had nothing much to do. jenny was overseas. bess was up to neck. lala was supposed to be out. so juv and i played basketball, volleyball, chess, cards, cycling and went to an internet cafe to amuse ourselves.

it's been excting though. it's good to see them again. i was happy! haha. but it was better the last time because we were together. plus i had a bad feet and an aching stomach. so lessond learnt, always obey adults. should've waited for aunt and listended to mom.

alone

2007-04-28T12:43:00.000+08:00

carie underwood

2007-04-27T15:16:00.000+08:00

the only blond who can sing.

the only blond who makes mind-blowing songs.

the only blond who looks hot and sweeeeeeet at the same time.

the only blond who cares about everything.

the only blond who is kind to everything.

the only blond who has big, i mean really big, smart brains.

scuba

2007-04-23T21:04:00.000+08:00

went scuba diving yesterday, and i don't get it. why should i willingly open my wallet to something so dull an activity. ok, sure, it was an intro dive. but i absolutely do not intend to spend so much for something less thrilling, as it is less dangerous, than bowling. and throwing a heavy ball down the lane to knock white loaded pins of the lane. yes, i believe that gutter balls are exciting. the corals and fishes were cool. but i wasn't mesmerized. i grew bored during that 30 min looking at bizzare creatures underwater. dun like. i'm just not that 'fishy'. also, i'm kind of hydrophobic. i'm not a water person.

my friends, candi and rex, had a hard time but the instructor kept on telling me to relax so that's what i did. wet deep from 15 to 20 ft. the dive was 30 min like i said. at first we had a debrief. my instrucrot, albert, is from malaysia. he explained everything in detail. yes i know it means self-contained underwater breathing apparatus. yes i know we do it under the sea. yes i know we can't breathe underwater. but albert was kind though. anyways, the oxygen tank was damn heavy. i felt like i was gonna fall down every step. the air tasted like mineral water. the wet suit was hard to put on as it was tight! -duh. fins were hard to put as you had to keep your balance. but i got used to everything right away. candi and rex spent half of their time on shore as they were a bit uncomfortable. so i spit on my goggles and albert and i went down straight away.

underwater. i was dragged by albert all the way. wanted to kick on my own but i didn't know how to sign. plus i was scared. haha. i think that's another reason why i got bored. i didn't get to roam myself. i was like draged along as he showed we the fished and corals. btw, i actually held a real starfish! like big one! like four times the size of my hands! i was so unstable underwater when i tried to kneel on the bed. it was like being blown by the wind (as said candi) so when albert went in front of me and took pictures, i was signaling that i needed to go up (like the thumbs up sign and bobbed your hands up and down). i was scared to sink down and trample on the corals. i keep on choking down there because i was so thirsty, the salty water and the air on the tanks was making my throat dry. i wanted to take out my mouth piece and gulp water or swallow saliva but it's so trouble some and albert might panic. he was like doing the 'okay?' sign everytime.

when we went up he dragged me to shore. i wasn't kicking anymore cause he told me to relax. so the trip to the shore was nice. haha. it was okay overall. i wasn't entirely convinced by it.and worse, i didn't get any tan after we went sunbathing. when we tried to swim on the beach, some jellyfish stung my cousin. and we were too traumatized to go snorkling. so we did nothing after that. i didn't enjoy the whole thing as i wasn't well acquianted with most of the people (went with my cousin's friends) so it wasn't that crazy. just casual tallk. plus, the three hour journey in a cramped car muredered me.

i'll say, scuba diving is cool. just that i was in an intro dive. it wasn't exciting enough to me. it's an expensive hobby. furthermore, i hate traveling. so scuba is a no for me. but i'm glad i had the experience for story-telling. i'll say 6 1/2 out of ten. i know ms yee is totally gonna disagree. happy birthday babe! ha-peace

kelly wearstler

2007-04-21T13:39:00.000+08:00

kelly wearstler. the best designer ever. gosh! i really like her designs. there's something eccentrically astonishing about her rooms that makes you gasp. she pushes the bounderies of rationality beyond the brink. she thinks so far outside the box. let me try to explain. something not safe. something dangerous. something unexpected. something odd about it that makes it pleasing in the eye. and now i realize that i'm trying to explain uniqueness. her work is vintage but somewhat contemporary and makes me conlcude that her ideas are timeless. i dare say that her work heavily reflects herself, her character, her life. and that's a true artist. her rooms weigh a ton. very detailed. very strong tastes. very shrewdly mixed. different elements collaborate to create a deeply grounded work. certainly not minimalistic nor simplistic. dark. rich. lush. when i grow up, i wanna be like that. make something seemingly ugly look beautiful. and that's what she does. she recreates elements into her own style that renders it amazing. she gives the word ecclectic a new meaning. the word was made for her. the word was made by her. a very discerning critique of function and credibility, i believe her to be knowledgeable and cunning with layouts. as if functionality comes second in line after creativity. a witty artist, she's not your dumb amatuer who moves forward with an idea just because it's eye catching, she also makes sure it's practical and apt. her elements aren't randomly selected but precisely hand-picked, each having a specific relevance

i watched her on Top Design. and my, oh my, she looks drop dead and bring me back to life gorgeous. glamorous. and fergie's an understatement. her look is as bold as her art. she's so loud and unpredictable that fashonistas' jaws will drop at her shockingly likable wardrobes. her daring being is certainly inviting every form of ambigous critiques. maybe it's beacuse she's so pretty that nothing looks ugly on her. she saunters around the room with that cute little expression on her face. and have i mentioned she looks like a goddess? alluring. bewitching. angelic. all these words are scant to give an even vague description. and dear heavens! those eyes. soft and resigned. plus, she has kids (two sons... and she still looks like that?)! isn't that so cute! i mean for guys that would be a negetive information maybe, i don't know. here's a bummer for all the guys out there; she's 40. i'm not sure if she's still married. but being a mother certainly adds credibilty to her character. what i'm trying to say is that, at least she's real. and after ophra and tyra banks rejects my offer, i'm gonna ask her to adopt me! i want her to be my mother (i'm sure...)! argh! kelly wearstler. inspiring. i almost idolize her. wait, i do.

2007-04-08T18:31:00.000+08:00

hay naku.

i'm back

2007-03-27T00:04:00.000+08:00

it's so hard to keep a blog. though you have nothing to do. why? why? why?

ibro lah. force me to blog. blog about what. my boring life that keeps on changing for the sake of a better life. which it turns out, is worse. missing some people badly. argh. if i stayed, however, i think life would be too comfortable. hey, i'm not complaining. just saying i miss some people out there. one person. not u lah! think what, your so special isit?

reading john grisham. it took me a while to get on with it. the story seems unbelievable and not so credible, however, interesting. on a scale of one to ten, six. the firm was worse though. i think i'm gonna go back to judith mcnaught. think it's time for some looove. then if i get sick of it again, back to paulo coelho. maybe atrimis fowl or stephen king. yes, i dun read that much.

books, sketch pad, net, these are my only solace now. i'm so free that i can hear myself breathe sometimes. even my heart beating. i'm not bored. i make use of my time. and i'm happy. always happy here.

my thoughts
they flow like river
as high as the clouds
that i can't grasp

holidays of an aspiring photographer

2007-01-08T12:26:00.001+08:00

2006-12-17T14:03:00.000+08:00

just had christmas party at work place yesterday. was a blast! unfortunately no group pics were taken. just for games. will post pics soon.

i organized the party for them since nobody else has the heart to do it. i mean i wanted the party anyways. at first i wanted it to be grand. lots of people. held in the house. FOOD! however, since the store was 24/7 open, it's unfair for some people who'll be on duty that day. furthermore, my uncle is in the hospital. must morn mah, so there's no way we can hold such a party.

it was good. christmas is always good here. you can here people talking about their upcoming christmas party, what gifts should they give or where should they go for holidays. christmas is so alive and exciting that each and every place has decorations set up flamboyantly since october. malls are packed. carols. plays. choirs. everything gets hyped up!

however, most fragile topic you can talk about is the price of one's christmas gift. it sickens me actually. good thing that it's a must to take out the price tag. i mean, why does everthing have to revolve around money. even christmas! i was shopping with a friend and she was so conscious about the price that we walked till the ends of the earth just to buy the 'right' gift not the 'perfect' gift. the perfect gift always comes from the heart. when she was wrapping the present, i told her to take out thr tag but didn't. she said it's crucial to leave it there so that the person won't think that she bought a cheap gift.

yet, some don't give a damn about their gift. since we were in a convinience store, they bought something from the store and gave it as a gift. didn't even bother to go out and actually shop for the person.

ya maybe some people care about the price beacuse the biggest sacrifice they could make is money. but we should not be overly conscious about it. isn't the thought that counts. i've heard that a thousand times yet few do practise. and christmas isn't about giving gifts either. every christmas, i don't look forward to the presents but the gathering and the celebration. that's the spirit of christmas.

home

2006-12-10T10:59:00.000+08:00

my uncle has just gone to the operation room. he had a stroke recently and he's been hospitalized for nearly a month. so, my sched now a days is really restricted as we have to go to the hospital every night. hate the hospital. wasn't really going there every night. but can't go shopping and all because driver sends my aunt to hospital so we stuck in house. wish he gets well very soon. people miss him. can't imagine what will happen if he... blue christmas!

i'm enjoying my work so much. not that i like working. it's so bloody tiring and boring at the same time. just that i like my workmates. i love them sooo much. even though i'm new they are patient with me and always assist me. sometimes, i'm even short and they pay for it beacause it's their cash machine. of course feeling guilty so balanja them every time to make up for it. it's been a good week. but i'm really careful not to make mistakes. cause i know there's a calm before the storm. everytime something good happens, disaster will soon strike. omens. i beleive. i'm so scared right now that something bad will happen and they won't like me anymore. i'm cherishing each and every moment. now they keep on teasing me. you see my aunt owns the store. and she always comes by and treat me lunch. so they will go like "pa bili mo nalang kay aunty" or "ok lang yan, an dyan naman si aunty eh." and also beacuse my aunt's the owner they kind of treat me different. more respected. sigh. but i still love them.

feels so different than in singapore. those racist bastards. they will deny it but they are. it feels more at home here. i love it here. i don't want to go back to singapore

here's the love

2006-12-03T13:21:00.000+08:00

so much fun

home

2006-11-28T18:02:00.000+08:00

i'm here. the happiest place in the earth. where smiles areas free as the air and troubles as clouded as mist. well, still feeling uneasy. why? i'm supposed to be relaxed and having fun. then why?

started working. i LIKE my colleagues! kuya ron, ate daisy and ate jam. dun forget chief. mwahaha! this post serves as a banner of my respect for them. really fun! they're forgiving and patient and fun. i know there's little chance they can read this bacaues of inadequacies but still, to their honour! however, work is so tiring! argh! had to stand for eight hours. and damn boring too! gosh, my cousin told me that working at the store was going to be a stampede but not likely! it's so boring. maybe i'm just starting to learn and they won't let me handle the heavy stuff. but i'm getting the hang of it. yesterday, time seemed to crawl. today, it walked. hopefully tomorrow will be blessed. it's my first work ever in my life. i mean officially. well not really but this is the closest.

i'm currently reading the book the alchemist by paulo coelho. i've attempted to read other books like lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events [ya i know it's childish, but i like] and judith mcnaught's someone to watch over me. well the last two were too morbid so i had to stop. i like the alchemist because it's a rich book filled with wisdom. i think it's a bit philosophical. it's an encouraging book. goals, dreams and passion in life or shall we say, personal legend. very good book. but of course. a the title itself projects an anti-christian theme. that's what blind church leaders will say. though the main character, a boy named santiago is a christian or catholic. and also, the message of the book says that we should strive for what we want and the universe, including God, is arranged in a way so as to enable us to achieve our dreams. so obviously the church will condemn this as they will say that people should dream god's will not our will. i don't really care what the church says though.

before i was flying off, my cell leader came to send me off. she saw my judith mcnaught book and asked me to throw it away. in my opinion, what the church is doing right now is trying to isolate themselves from sins. however, what they should do is try to insulate themselves instead of to isolate. jesus walked with the lame and ate with sinners. then why are we trying to push these 'sinful' elements away? the world is immersed in sin and we can't escape that by isolating ourselves. we should insulate ourselves. for example, the fish. the fish lives in sea water, it is saline. yet how come when we eat the fish, it is not salty? in fact it is tasteless. we need to sprinkle some salt before eating or cooking! this is because the fish is insulated from sea water. that way it keeps itself pure. i the same way should we keep ourselves holy. not by condemning but by understanding. after we understand then can we preach. not judge or correct.

vivo

2006-11-21T22:09:00.000+08:00

so, first time went to vivocity. IT WAS HUGE! i felt like i was walking forever and i didn't even round up the whole place! went with kaye aka kaya aka caveman aka sexyblingthing! mwahaha. and christie aka no taste aka wag. so anyways, i liked the place. I LIKE! think im going there a milion more times. i think the fact that it's new makes it exciting. as kaya and wag said. there are trillions of shops there!

it's not really a place for teenagers but i'm not complaining. firstly there are no mac, kfc, sweet talk or long john. only high class ex food. superdog, chicken rice shop, and bugerking. there are go india and others. restaurants were never heard before. it's the kinda places that you see in one secluded corner around town. so it's cool to try. the collection of clothing lines is amazing. warehouse, pull and bear, forever 21, topshop, levis, armani exchange, trucco, fendi, marks and spencers, diesel. but as long as there's zara i'm cool. there's no iced lemon tea or 77th street.so it's more mature. there's GV there and when we went, there was an opening ceremony so only invited guests where there. highclass i tell you. so it's more for mature [old] people. but i like. i dun really like going orchard cause it's too distributed.

walking with kaya and wag was fun. can't stop laughing lor. but i kept getting static electricity shocks when walking! beacuse of stupid shoes! so painful! and we got to stalk a guy. johnston [baby powder] wag's bf. he's so blur. he didn't know that we following around. it was for almost an hour and we got close a couple of time. after they bought their prom dresses we went to eat at banquet. then after a much confusing discusion on how to go home, we did go home.

must i elaborate on the events? i'll leave that to kaya and wag. but it was fun! only thing though, me and kaya only bought one pen. sigh. pathetic.

look at these!
stole it from kaya's blog!

step up

2006-11-19T19:26:00.000+08:00

went to watch step up with youth at shaw in orchard. i like! the movie was good. casting was likeable. the whole cast can dance. like mario and radcliffe though they didn't bust any moves at all. the dancing was good and i'm impressed. ballet and hip hop. odd combi isn't it but refreshing. good flow. i like the movie cause i can relate. so overall; it was above average. seven out of ten maybe. bad point is, tatum's enunciation sucks. he barely opens his mouth. i noticed in his previous movies too.

after the movie. we walked around orchard. saw ethan ong. my jaw dropped. this kid is awesome! and cute. i think he was with his father and they prayed before the performance. he did the drums for "my redeemer lives" by hillsong. and after the song he went in front and bowed. so cute. then after that the father was like 'thank you for watching and God bless you'. it's a good service for a part but i wonder if they go hurting other religions and make a comotion in orchard. hopefully cause it's definitely a good way to share the gospel. jia you, christians!

went to cathay after that. played arcade. then they went to my house to play xbox. overall the day was fun except kerna backstab and scolded. sigh.

speaking of friendship, i dunno what to do now. hate decisions.

sentosa

2006-11-18T21:31:00.000+08:00

cheryl's birthday is somewhere this week. went to sentosa to celebrate. didn't go into water though. hate the sea. i'd rather swim in a pool. anyways, sitting on the beach was nice. had to go under the shade cause it was freaking hot. went with ad and jermaine. ahlong and salome went later with water bombs and a cake for surprise. that stupid water bomb trick was stupid. firstly, cherly was already wet as she was swiming. and, we kerna scolded by the lifegaurd for attempting to destroy the ecosystem and creating havoc on the beach.

lots of pictures. more coming up.

so the big "O"s is finally over. and i feel like a bird. i can sit down and watch time's hand run around and not run againts time. the moment spent on beach was relaxing. the do-nothing activity was fun and rejuvinating. i don't think i'm desrving it totally but i'm claiming it anyways. can't wait to fly off.

waiting

2006-11-13T16:51:00.000+08:00

i just finished my last paper for french. don't ask me how is it. no matter what i am confirmed that i will fail. sometimes it's easier to give up and say with confidence that you will fail than to do your best and wait for the result. when it turns out ok. ecstasy. if not, state of depression for months. the latter has a larger probability to happen so why try studying at all. waste time. we already spend a fourth of our time waiting.

youth performance

2006-11-12T23:00:00.000+08:00

perit's sad. this world is sad. i mean come on, is there anything good abt this pile of shit? God created this place. why is it so filthy. is it because He let filthy humans to rule that's why it had come to this? so what will hell be? or imagine if animals rule the world.

i've always thought earth is the half way mark between heaven's paradise and hte pits of hell. a well balanced dimension. yin and yang. well, more like it moved closer to hell over the pass few millennium. oh no forgive me, it has always been. from cain, to babylon, to war and now, total chaos. we had found more and more ways to suck. divorce. crimes. discrimination. hatred. indifference. all has increased its magnitude. i'm not even gonna try to list it out here. i'm gonna fill up the World Wide Web.

why i am suddenly talking about this?
i can't wait for heaven.

i am just fustrated. with everything that is going on. o levels. church. family. friends. and what i am becoming.

i figure, i don't like myself much. not in terms of physical. i mean i want to alter some of it but... well i'm talking about how cold i'm becoming. sigh. becoming more apathetic toward people. i mean i had always been like that. not saying hi, waving a hand or even just a smile on my face when acquaintances pass by. suplada. conceited and stuck up. but it's not that. just shy and insecure. and i know some get the wrong impression. but it is becoming worse. and i lose on friendship because of that.i am becoming one of the people who is NOT trying to make the world a better place.

and also the way some of the people i know are facing life. really sad.

all the distortion in the world is created by us. and it backfires on us always. karma. i believe in it. but if you believe in karma means you don't believe in destiny. right. but i believe in destiny too. aiya.

i told you life's complicated

well well. i had just finished the damned performance. bad. they say it's too soft. but it's not out bloody fault. like we did our best and its because of the incompetent techs. the mic wasn't on i assume. the place was quite open so. but the applause was tremendous. esp and most from parents ofcourse. just because they know us and its our first. biased! i didn't like the whole thing do. boring. but the practise was fun. see now my sis is still singing the song. LAST SONG SYNDROME (LSS). here are the pics. so sorry. the actual on stage performance wasn't included. because all the pics only have my sis and me. so might as well not put it up. you have to get it from other people. haha.

Get Your Own! View Slideshow

youth practise

2006-11-11T19:45:00.000+08:00

i just realize i don't want to perform. its tomorrow! crap. i haven't memorised the lyrics. crap.

nadir

2006-11-11T02:15:00.000+08:00

the "ear in ear out" technique

created by: eunice lacaste

this revolutionary technique, developed in 7000 bc, is an intense meditation technique designed to protect the hearing organ from any force that can cause any internal disrurbances. however, it appears that the majority of the current generation has mastered this technique through countless sessions, practises and excersises from their sincerely helpful parents. there are different styles of doing this. a few includes:

1. thinking of the guy next door - most effecient
2. sing a song inside your head - i suggest moby's retarded lyrics
3. try to count your mother's hair - visually of course

warning! possibility of memory loss and drooling disorder when excessively done.

PRESTIGE

2006-11-11T01:14:00.000+08:00

postponed

created by: eunice lacaste

decided to post. after dog's years. certainly no one ever visits here anymore. so i have the liberty to post whatever i want.

well, halfway between o levels. so far, i think i'm doing ok. but every paper, i'm so nervous that i can't tie the stupid string in. it's just beacuse this is o levels. i want to get as many a1s as possible. not gonna happen but it's good to dream right? even my art paper sucked. i should take the installation down soon. i feel restless unless its taken down.

a week more to go.

i just ate candy floss today. bought from pasamalam. i really dun care if it's intoxicated with something else. this is the only way i can eat candy floss. where else can you buy candy floss. people had warned me about pasamalam and what possible filth that lies beneath the vendors' smile. i don't care much. i want it and i'm having it. candy floss!

ate with itchy today at long john silver. that itchy made me go to lot 1 just to eat! argh! and i bought i new earpiece. i reward for myself for studying hard -not srudying smart- this past few days.

talked to renee today. i wonder why these high class, chin up chest out stomach in ladies don't want to get married. i think they do not want anybody to dominate their life. feminists. they want to be in charge. always. and if your not up to standard, too bad. in my opinion, guys must be daunted by them! and the danger is, if they are too blind, they might just passed by mr right -in the flesh and in the face- without even noticing it. ms yee also another one. worse if possible. dun get me wrong. these people are phenomenal and esteemed. they hold prestige within the palm of their hands. but there comes a price. arrogance. indifference. looking down on their noses. no! they are not like that but they LOOK like it. happiness is only whole with a second half. hope cupid's reinforcements are on their way to singapore. or cyprus for that matter. ms yee is flying off today.

about another totally different slut
i wonder why she is so freaking irritating. i mean i try to like her. i try to look pass her flaws. but she just pisses me off! after a long cut off, the first time she did was bombard me with questions and lectures and stupid nonsense. why must The Relationship (not the relationship u know of) be strained because of her! i'm starting to hate so much of what she thinks is right and wrong. she and her stupid dispostion! can't He show her. cant He teach me to submt. why can't i just dumbly follow like a dog. i mean it's ok for me to live my life for someone else since i can't make a purpose out of it and since i know it's gonna be wasted in my own hands. why do i have to qn so much! sigh. guess i just can't submit to unreasonable and unjustified acts. duh! even my own mother finds me a handful. so what right does she have to think for me!

i think i shall retire for today. tomrrow is waiting.

i'm still damned hungry

2006-06-22T15:14:00.000+08:00

ey? where am i? oh! in my blog.

wow. cobwebs all over.

anyways, i shall give you 5 reasons why i'm not blogging until 'O' levels:

1. must study

2. lazy

3. very busy

4. have i mentioned lazy?

5. i'm hungry (erm...)

yeh so... i was actually planning to do something insane today.
have my own critics about DVC book.
here it goes:

DVC is actually the best book i've ever read. after comes Angels and Demons, also by the same phenomenal author, Dan Brown. but let'se see. it has actually challenged the authencity of the Bible! here i am going to say something about that.

facts with fictions

DVC is a work of fiction. if you look at any book stores, it's in the "fiction" catergory. some of the elements are legends and myths. some are just conclusions without any base fact. so is the Holy Bible fact or fiction? this is a question equivalent to "how big is the universe?" we cant answer it as it goes way back in time. however, the manuscripts of the Old testaments and the New Testaments are one of the most reliable sources today according to historians and scholars. the manuscripts have only 150 years gap from the original copy (cesar's galic wars copy have 1000 years gap from the original). also, it has the most pristine copies stored (over 11,000 copies). these copies are all hand written. more copies means we can cross-examine all these manuscripts and see if they collaborate even though different people copied them.

constantine

DVC stated that there actually other gospels that describe Jesus in a completely differnet way from the bible. that He was married and he was actually not a god. however, these gospels are called gnostic (based on knowledge) gospels. these gospels are not written by any of the apostles. the authors didn't even see or talked to Jesus. some books were written hundreds of years after the death of Christ. the authors only went into the name of the apostles so that their book will be deemed credible. the gospels chosen for the Bible are those which are credible. the author must be an apostle of Christ. but hey! does that mean the Bible is biased? no writtings from outside point of view. actually there is. one was apostle paul's gospels

debate at the council of nicaea 325 ad

in the book, dan brown stated that the debate was about whether Jesus was a god or just a man. this was "fact" was actually just a theory. the debate was more on the topic of the Holy Trinity. the Holy Trinity say's that God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit are one God. the debate was about whether Jesus' status was lesser that God the Father, not if Jesus was a man or god.

art

"a picture says a thousand words" - sounds familiar right? the speculations about the Mona Lisa, the Last Supper and other paintings or works of art depicted in the DVC are just a few words among the thousand. it's just one point of view that can be incorrect. if your an artist or an art critic, you should understand this. you can never know what the painter is trying to say, but only what the painting is saying to you.

bestseller

just for the record, DVC sold 36 million copies. the Holy Bible sold 2.5 billion copies and counting. woohoo!

there ya go. i'm a christian so i'm just trying to protect what i believe is the truth. have your own damned opinion can?

mock results

2006-05-17T10:29:00.000+08:00

mock results suck. it was insane that we had to do simultaneous major exams within a week. i was tired men. ok lah... it wasn't the best i could give so no regrets...

didn't go to school today. have french exam tomorrow so decided to stay home and study. i didn't study at all before this. giving up on french men. so hard! maybe i'll go learn latin... yeah right! maybe spanish is better. considering the similarities with tagalog and absence of accents. it's deemed to be easier. well, i'l go back to ph and study french there, l'Alliance Française de Sg is much too expensive. then move on to spaninsh. maybe even german. ("~) i wonder if dutch is ok. (uh oh... turning into a linguist freak! all Silva and his espionage books' fault!) right now, even if i wanted to, i cant consentrate on french. too much to do.

sigh. want to stay away from you asap. sick of you! -so why cant i turn off the radio-

results

2006-05-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

haiz... so far 11 points. really substandard.
disappointed with english and chem
ss and hist yet to come.

exams

2006-05-02T17:34:00.000+08:00

so far so good...
maths - 31/40
phy - 41/50
eng [spoil my day!!!] - 14/25
me 14 girl... aiyah really spoil my day...
suppose to recieve chem today but stupid abel havn't take
for geog... mr ong too old to mark... so... next week
can't take this stress! like one week interlude between common test and mock! to hell with the schedule!!!

*wish i could stay away from you... but i love you too much

first

2006-04-30T17:28:00.000+08:00

MY FIRST PERFORMANCE EVER!!!
VENUE: IBC -somewhere in king's road
TIME: 1400H
PIECES: LET EVERYTHING THAT HAS BREATH - PASSION
I'M TRADING MY SORROW - DARREL EVANS
I CAN ONLY IMAGINE - MERCYME

lots of touching but non-constructive comments
didn't go church today. julee will kill me!

killing me

2006-04-28T20:57:00.000+08:00

at last! common test is over! i feel that i did above what i expected. so come and let us study for mock exams! yah that's life. you always find youself stuck in a rut. no light at the end of the tunnel. it's just an endless arid land and a bottomless gulf. cynical huh. yeh, my perspective. yet at least i have something to look forward too.

goodness! i'm missing someone so much. i hate being in this state of nadir. i don't want to love. its a waste of time. i agree with lenard [love bites]. it hurts but i feel extreme bliss at times. ambivalence. really is amazing how extensive is the range of emotions our hearts can feel. i want to be with you so much.

moving on. can't possibly talk about bullshit all the time right?

i really stressed with my art course! not getting enough resources. well, i do have a perfectly useless and excremented art teachers with me and a wide volume of mediums the school has bought which are destined for wastage under amatuer hands but look at dss! they had finished their's! am really worried about the time. i plan to sacrifice one week for art. don't do any home work and don't study for tests. i'm headed for NAFA anyways so i must set my priorities [hate that guano-ic word].

so must constantly tell myself to stop procastinating, sigh. let it rain...

drama camp

2006-03-17T19:44:00.000+08:00

15 - 17 march

just had my drama camp. it was fun like hell men! i was really excited about it. i didn't really know what activities was set. actually, i was looking forward to sleeping with my friends [ghost stories and chit chatting at night]. and to seeing renee again.

first day was as more fun than the second day. we had more energy. games were fun men! i think ms yee's games were as fun as renee's. just that we yelled and ran around more with renee's session. the food was okay. tea, lunch, tea, dinner. galvin came around lunch. maria was like gushing over him. eeww. adibah left early and never came back [freakky]. ahlong came to school as he was going for the escplanade. melissa was going home as she was sick. she vomited along the path. saw mich and matthew when she went to fetch melissa. we were like screaming in the bus when mich came. men i missed her so much. hugged her! mwaha!

we had dinner at esplanade. we watched the mosiac concert. the concert was good. it was professional. certainly these people play their life out. it's sort of a serious gimmick which also exudes fun. i thought the crowd looked pretty connected. maybe they are the friends of the performers. we, crazy as we are, were making alot of impulsive noises. just having fun. we cheered and whistled and clapped. everyone's looking at us. it's just in our nature to be wild in public. we had a connection with the performers because we were in the front row screaming out to them like they one kind of super star [FEVER! - lilly]. it was fun. ms yee went of to somewhere during the concert. don't ask me i too don't know.

during at night i can't sleep. too hyper. i know i must sleep for tomorrow. but i just can't. i told ghost story at night. succeeded in freaking them out. we were actually planning to walk around school at night but gundu maria go ask for permission. dumb. i changed place three five times before getting a decent sleep. actually im not really used to sleep on the floor and the next day my shoulders were aching because i slept on my side. everyone was snoring. they claimed i was snoring too. whatever. maria cecilia kelly del and ian continued with the ghoft story stuff while i slept with aisha syaza ratna kernar izwan marx and nas. stupid lah. the barrier in between boys and girls no use one. then woke up with the sound of the siren. actually was awake before that just drifting into light sleep. then the siren was so loud i thought it was the school alarm. turned out to be ian's stupid phone. dumb. we were so frustrated. it was five in the morning men! couldnt drift back to sleep so went to bathe. then walked around the school with nas, izwan, aisha and kernard. cecilia, kelly, maria and del went ghost hunting. dumb people. i think cecilia worship maria like a god. she follows her everywhere and do everything she does. dumb. [they are uncommon so i can call them dumb].

played truth or dare around 7 am. was making a racket through out the whole school. ms yee came and scolded us. we were quiet then. during breakfast she was really mad. somebody was saying that we better behave later on. then we said sorry to mdm ek. i think we also woke her up. be right. then back in the studio nas was saying - how come mdm ek never say anything then ms yee say. i told him that ms yee was like a mother to us, more willing to teach and point out our mistake unlike other people who do not care about us even though we make a fool out of our selves. he understood. everyone understood. during yoga we did keep quiet. total silence.

we did more games. but it wasnt as spontaneous as yesterday. energy levels down. even when renee took over. renee's games were challenging. really tough and need serious deep creative and innovative thinking. we also had monologues. serious men. second day was a hard day. during the mono, the limelight was on each individual and it was tough to just step out there. marx did a good open. but all of our mono SUCK! even if renee praised us, and i think it was only encouragement.

one person i know who the success of the camp belongs to. ms yee. she was the one who prepared all of it. of course ms ng and ms rani helped too. but she has her heart set on the camp. she loves us -drama- very much and who knows how much. we love her the same. as nas was saying, drama would be dead without her. as mel was saying, we will miss her if she leaves. as ahlong was saying, the other teachers cant substitute her. as cecilia was saying, she looks so dead when teaching at class but she laughs the loudest at the activities we have making other people laugh out too because of her oh-so-crazy laugh. the stupid committee was absolutely useless. sec three. what will happen if sec fours are gone?. sigh. no initiative nor eagerness to get things done. i tried my best to help her and collected the forms for the teachers and asked people if they are confirmed about the camp. so she does not have to walk around chasing after people. i know or at least have a clue on how much she had toiled for the success of this camp. besides, she was there all the time unlike the other teachers. it's always like that what. even during the anti-drug performance at lot 1 she was there for the two days. i know lah! i am biased towards her. ms ng and ms rani have noticed. that's because i am the only one who would dare to voice it out. the rest feel the same way too. i know because they tell me without me asking them. but they would not dare to act it out or voice it out. i am just bold, sensitive and expressive that's all.

renee also played a major role in the success. of course. she's a pro men!i think the camp would not be as -wow!- without her! we missed her so much that when she came in we gave her a booming welcome. haha. she rocks the earth. totally.

that's all. too long.
peace out.

what did i do?

2006-03-08T22:05:00.000+08:00

what did i do?

argh. why am i so hateful. i hate hating people but i really cant stop hating people who are bound to be hated! i am not a hypoctrite like some people who have two faces and try to be nice for the sake of a clean reputation. when i hate people, i hate them. i do not hide the feelings, i try to suppress them. there is a big difference.

ok. to start of. maybe it is just a misunderstanding. or maybe i am just a complicated person. or maybe i am too demanding. but isn't it for my own good?

firstly, my *** teacher, she is kind and cheerful. but when it comes to classes, all she knows is talk. "maybe we should do this... i'll ask the person to come over... i'll order some materials for all of you..." but in the end, nothing happens. and we have been enduring classes of utter inutility and immobility. we do nothing at all but draw... draw... and draw - by ourselves! i am dying of boredom. others are satisfied but what about me! i am restless and discontented. i am being pulled down by the slowness (mind me, does she progress at all?) of her teaching. no mock exams this year. mr a said that we MUST have mock exam. to no avail. she gives no inspiration. no ideas. no critiques. and i am lost now in my course work. i do not know what to do. will i be able to pull this out by myself? i have no confidence in her. honestly i think she is incompetent. all she does in class is mark her papers or do her own sketches. shit men. and what? she reasoned that they should relieve her of one class just because she is taking a graduation class! she is not doing anything at all! she leaves our class even before lesson ends. she goes to places who knows where. she calls who knows who in her handphone when it is lesson time. i am frustrated as my future is in her hands yet she is throwing it away. not me! her! SUCK! but don't get me wrong. i still like her as a person but as a teacher, i am enraged. i do give hints. i just can't tell it to her face.

secondly, this ***** teacher in charge. why oh why is fate so cruel! i have two ***** teachers in charge hating me! unreasonable bastards! ask as to stay back until seven? my shit! and why do you have to shout at me when i asked you nicely "may i go home" and shouted at me! i am not like the normal tech students that you shout at everday! FUCK YOU!!! i have my own brains and if i have too, i'll use them to defend my dignity! i know i am not 100% faultless but give me some respect as i try to give you some you imbeciles! yes i am restless now a days because you are boring my guts out! it is not only me, most of my peers have the same opinion. just that i tend to express better than them. and also i started giving "attitude". what up with that?! i was just giving the platform to other people who have yet to try. no honestly, besides laziness that was my paramount rationale. also, during activities, she marks her paper! i mean its like saying "i do not care about you and i have found something better to do" shut up! further more, after each session, she will only negative remarks. yes i recorded. she doesn't sing any praises at all! and she keeps on shouting that makes me my eardrums ring for the whole day. her colleague is as worse. this brainless scum (oh no... i'm going to vulgar here) is a replica of the first one. same attitude. but this teacher is less idiotic than the first one. well. a little less. i just hate them both. argh. of course not talking about ms y.

my dislike for my dearest father (teacher) mr s has ceased. thank God! he is the least person in earth you would like if you do not know him well. might as well compare him to stalin and hitler and mussolini. but i think he is the angelic side of these trio deep down there somewhere. when he loves, he loves without question. when he hates, he hates without answers (what the hell that means? i do not know! it just looks metaphorical so...)

can't write all what i want to write here. 1. it is too long 2. it is to extreme. well fot those of you who knows who i am refering to, keep your mouth shut.

"peace'

after party

2006-03-07T21:48:00.000+08:00

hello readers

you are probably wondering why i was absent yesterday. since i only answered a few people who asked that question, am sorry for my rudeness.

firstly, i had french common test today so i wanted to study. yes i studied the whole day. secondly i studied for the physics test. that was after i watched "oliver twist". nice movie by the way. it was stale nevertheless noble, costume's a meany. lastly i was lazy to go to school. i thought i would fancy i 24hrs holiday. according to my excuse letter, i am supposed to be having a stomach ache. but assuming that you reader is trusthworthy, i am telling you the true story.

i am happy that my french common test is over. i think i would pass. but for all i know i commited a sin and God wants to punish me therefore he minus 10 marks. it's a sin that i have been struggling with for years and i dare not tell anyone. so i must be good this week.

that's all in store...
peace out y'all

missing you...

2006-03-06T16:23:00.000+08:00

i am exploited and tired. i need a break

drill

2006-03-04T21:54:00.000+08:00

you know the drill mate

love

2006-03-01T17:50:00.000+08:00

THIS IS HOW IT IS SUPPOSE TO BE. AND THIS IS HOW IT IS NOW.

2006-02-27T20:32:00.000+08:00

suicidal

2006-02-25T21:14:00.000+08:00

i am up to my ears.
i am drowning.
i am busy with homeworks.
i am busy with tests.
i am busy with projects.
i am busy with course works.
i am busy with performances.
i am busy with competitions.
i am busy with errands
let me breathe.
let me go.
let me cry out and scream my heart out.
i can't see the light.
i can't sleep.
i can't concentrate.
my muscles are aching.

I AM LOVING MY LIFE!

counseling

2006-02-23T20:36:00.000+08:00

i am happy. so happy. so so so happy. why! why is my life so happy. thank you! thank God for giving me such people in my life. these people who i call friends. these people are insane. that is because only insane people can make an insane person laugh. only insane people can listen to an insane person blabber. only insane people can give an insane person a shoulder to lean on. only insane people can bear the crappy demeanour of an insane person. regardless of race, language or religion (my deepest condolences to the late s rajaratnam). without these insane people, my world will go insane. oh i love you guys! *mwah! i have had my storm just yesterday during drama club. and this insane people had supported me through out! telling me to relax and chill. i broke down a little but i regained strength from these insane people. you see, insane people always exudes these extra energy always (running around butt naked, banging their heads on the wall, licking the toes, jumping from the sixth level and not dying because of too much energy as i say). restless as you may call it. but you must learn to manipulate these energy. THANK YOU! I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH DRAMA CLUB! INSANE PEOPLE RULE! this is one happy day indeed! - storm please do not come knocking on my door.

drama

2006-02-22T21:04:00.000+08:00

I HATE YOU!
YES! SHE IS BETTER THAN ANY OF YOU!
YOU COUPLE ARE A BUNCH OF INCOMPETENT MONKEYS JUGGLING WITH FIRE.!
BETTER GO AND COMMIT SUICIDE!
YOU ARE PULLING EVERYONE DOWN.
LAME CHEESY CORNY EWW YUCK UGH!
EXTRA
ACT
SHOW OFF
FLAMBOYANT

oh men! i just should stop my mouth from judging others! i know! it is bad. and rude. i am insensitive to others. i am becoming like that idiotic big fat negroid imbecile. what should i do! there is to much violence and rage inside me. how can i quite these emotions of hatred down? i am too cynical and critical. but i just can't keep my thoughts to myself. if i do (i have always tried to be a better person) it will accumulate and it will (BOOM!) detonate and will produce large scale destruction which i am unable to curb. EUNICE! stop criticising! i do not want to lose friendships and my own reputation. but it is out of my master.

HELP!!!

study study study

2006-02-18T21:56:00.000+08:00

i cannot believe that i am already at sec 4. it seems like it was yesterday that i came strolling in the school at the second day of orientation. naive of the occurences around me. insecure and uncomfortable on the inside, but trying to put up a good front.

looking back, i see that road where i trudged on seemed miles away yet i felt like i have been walking for just a few minutes. all the hardships, the obstacles, the adversaries, all the achievements, the successes, the goals that once were so trenchant now seem so inaudible, bedimmed and vague. once in a while i can't help but complain. the replies or so called encouragement i get are in general "oh it's not so bad! wait till you get to JC, wait till you get to U, wait till you are working, wait till you have your own kids, wait till Alzheimer comes along and starts eating you, wait till your in the local old folks home, hospital or asylum and die" continue on comparing your time with mine, but to me, nothing can beat the sweat of the present time, not even the past nor the future.

time then was so slow, but time is treacherous. you look at it up close it seems so insignificant. take a step back and get the whole picture into view, you will see that time is everything. it camouflages, it pretends, and when it goes for the kill, you will be petrified and shocked.

examinations that were dreaded came and went. projects were assigned, procrastinated upon and submitted incomplete. rules were implemented and broken. legions of friends and foes were created. teachers who triggered ambivalence in their leave had left without hesitation. quarrels and squabbles initiated, grew, and were solved. hatred were sowed, nurtured and weeded. infatuations bloomed and withered. it all happened in four years. in a blink of an eye, it is done.

we can reach both the zenith and nadir of an epoch within such limited time. however, we are not yet at the finish line. the banner marked "Ordinary Level Examination" is rising from the horizon. first a dot, then a distinct red icon growing larger as every day goes by. the main purpose of the secondary life. the last stride.

i see the crowd (teachers pressurizing at the most solemn stage) cheering and jumping, encouraging me to persist. though in reality they are screaming their heads off. i could not hear anyone of them. the world has gone into silent mode. i can comprehend their muted, lip synched words of wisdom, but none goes through my head. they are reflected by a virtual shield around my head called stubbornness a.k.a. complacency a.k.a. procrastination.

still, i know time is not at my side. i know the seriousness of the situation. i know the consequences at every turn i take. but i just cannot get my self to stay focus. there is a big difference between 'must' and 'can'. yes, i am scared and i am taking a leak on my pants. but i will get through this. i know i can. if i can set it all right. i will prevail. by hook or by crook i will.

i see the gold medal. on it three characters are engraved; 7A1

after that, then what?
somebody fill me in

2006-02-14T22:43:00.000+08:00

happy valentines day! another wonderful day [storm is coming]! recieved alot of presents. from yongwen, yaojun, jacintha, albert, meisheng and mr prakash. peishan also gave me some chocoloates too. love is so in the air. alot of exchange gifts and all! i gave mr a my farewell gift too. a monkey key chain. ahlong n me also gave ms y the cookie and a paper. [great to give people papers on valenitines day, cheap yet meaningful] ms y did figure out where we bought the cookie. [check prevoius post!] but it's ok. she appreciate it... i think... haha so cute. ibro, jermaine and cheryl concurred that she is cute.

went out with jermaine ibro and cheryl to kfc. after that, reluctantly went to french class. the teacher did not believe that the essay was made by me because it was too flawless! suck my ass! argh! ok yah... i cheated... i used a translator.

yah. that's all.

world peace

i not stupid too

2006-02-13T21:41:00.000+08:00

the day before valentines day. what a wonderful day. seriously, i've been having wonderful days lately. so this is a sign that a storm is coming sooner or later.

firstly, art lesson was so so intense. mr a is leaving tomorrow. he talked to us with much passion and determination. he talked about art. to aim high for our dreams. do not worry about those people who say that art has no future. and he talked about other stuff to motivate us. motivate means to scare us to death to do our work and at the same time inspiring us. i needed it. im procastinating so much now a days. or maybe i just suck at time management.

the day went on with much boredom.

history test. aahhwww... men that sucked. i mean i got 13/25. better tha most of them. but obviously it sucked and i flung it. damn the test! because of it i was late for the movie! mr s is so unreasonable. he asked us to wait for so long and when half of the class had already left he just carried on with the test. i mean it is his fault that it got postponed for so long. he takes our time and wastes it. ok, i better not bitch much about him. not that i hate him. i still look up on him. yet, he always makes us wait. who cares. we also make him wait right. sheesh whatever! so lame!

yah moving on to the most interesting part of the day. movie. well initially i was enraged that three of the people who were suppose to come backed up. i lost my cool during reccess and shouted at two [not so] innocent boys i mean gentlemen. really wanted to watch this movie because a lot of people were saying that it's a nice show and i have not watched a decent movie for a while. anyways, i was suppose to meet yuan long and ms y at lot 1 to watch the 4.30pm show. but i was five minutes late. so we moved it to 5pm. delvin rushed down and watched with us. ibro was suppose to watch with us to but he was too late.

yes. the movie. i am obviously not going to narrate the whole story here. that's because 1. duh! and 2. i do not want to spoil the experience of other people. anyways, the movie was DAMN FUNNY! even before movie starts we were laughing like mad already. ms y was having that cute demented laughter attack. it think it was because of the pink panther comercial insisting watchers to switch off their phone. and also there's this so damn funny part where this person named... oh...yah... i am not in the position to narrate...anyways. yah! in addition the movie was also DAMN TOUCHING! it seriously pulled my heart strings. i mean i was holding my tears for the half of the show. i was having the REM [rapid eye movement]. i was blinking 1000 times per minute so as to hold back. yet, to no avial, i broke down during these scene when this guy... ok i won't tell... anyways, my tears were seriously FLOWING non-stop. other's were crying too. but i was like sniveling like hell. you know that kind of thing when you viciously attempt to make your mucus retreat to the inner part of your nose when it has reached the dangerous position beyond your nostrils and you start drooling. i know it was seriously disturbing other people's audible range of hearing but who cares [as you can see i am starting to be a careless person "who cares wo cares"]. back to the topic. it was toucing like i said. i think that's because i can relate to how it feels having come from this kind of family. nobody knows and nobody cares. so i think that was why i was crying the loudest. ayways. the movie was an intresting combination of scenes; one moment you're like rolling on the floor laughing and then *snap you start to cry then *snap your on the floor again. yes i find that interesting. you do not know whether to cry or laugh.

on the other hand. i think that it was exagerating. according to ms y too. it's like the typical lameness of singaporeans. especially there's this part when they were walking down the... ok i won't say, you have to watch it yourself... over all it was a DAMN GOOD movie. so i strongly recommend.

after the movie, we went somewhere around bukit timah cold storage. i was so stuffed. i didn't want to eat so i just bought some lime juice and watched them eat as we chatted. ms y bought some roses at cold storage for her colleagues. meanwhile, yuanlong and i had this plan to buy her this cute cookie. so when she was buying the roses, we were smuggling cookies in our bags secretly. with delvin as our decoy, it almost worked. i think it was too obvious though. after that went home. end of day. period. no more no less.

so there you go. not detailed but summarized for optimum reading pleasure where you don't get to read me blabber on until the page reaches the floor.

world peace

HELL

2006-02-11T20:04:00.000+08:00

i have been studying all day. no t.v. for poor eunice. my schedule will go on like this until 'o' levels. i am determined. but by God's grace i will get multiple distinctions. but this sucks. i am not a studious individual. i hate studying. but i am determined. did not go for dance works as i do not want to be a stupid mascot in a sandwhich board walking around like the guy from monsters ink. yup. why is there so few people in msn btw? what's happening

i have been thinking, there is this cliche "one way ticket to hell" and oh how i wish it is the same for heaven. sadly, life is a bitch and it is pleased in making things arduous for us.

you see, the hardest thing to do in this world is to do good. i mean not that once in a life time samaritan acts you do but as a whole being a saint for world peace. it's hard to keep our records clean. temptation always lurks by and trips us over. besides, it's way easier to do bad things. don't fool around with me i know that you yourself stole something from that provision shop or lied to your parents once in a while right?

the catch in doing sinful acts is that you execute it without think and voila! it is done. after that, guilt will start stalking you like a dog's tail. i mean that's how it goes for me. i beat up my sister, she cries, and i feel bad. but the cool thing is, good deeds are the vice-versa [obviously]. it is so hard to do, with your pride hindering you, to set aside differences and help that nerd who has just been bullied or help that psychotic girl who was assigned to carry a stock of books taller than her because her class "sabo-ed" her. BUT. the reward in any goodness you peform is overwhelming. overflowing. yes, i agree that it feels better when you do it infront of people but it is more meaningful when you do when no one is watching, because someone out there is smiling from ear to ear at that moment.

there are also sometimes that you are in desperate need and have no way out. those times when the examination is tomorrow and still you have not studied or when that some one is in the hospital and you'll go like "oh God please! give me another chance and i will dedicate my life in doing you will" then he grants you the wish. after that, before you know it, you started skipping your quite time or started dating this non-christian guy. no, i am not condemning anybody because this happened to me before and it will happen again. mistakes and sins are vicious cycles of life.

we are sinful. it is in our nature. even the most obedient man like peter, denied or like judas, betrayed, or like moses, refused to speak or like abraham who questioned or like job who cursed. now you know why gravity plummets downwards to hell and not upwars to heaven. why the ocean is deeper than the highest mountain. why quadrillions of stars and one moon need to shine every night to fight the darkness.

but despite our sinfulness, despite every wound that was inflicted, despite every drop of blood wasted, despite every slash of the whip. He knew and He still kept silent in front of mr pilate. despite every lie every curse and every spit. he endured and tried to stand up. despite every stab, every gunshot and every bomb droped. He still died and rose again.

despite everything, He still loved

MAHAL KA PARIN NYA.

french essay

2006-02-11T01:37:00.000+08:00

i have just finished my first french essay ever. i think there is a lot of gramatical errors as i myself do not what the hell i am talking about. i wrote about divorce. if it was in english i would have scored As [shees]. i am starting to enjoy french. i think it's just that sense of accomplishment. i also had rewritten my maths ws 10 and finished ws 14. i am quite having and infatuation over maths too. this is all to weird. i used to hate both of them.

time now is 0130h. i have been on the computer since 1700h. that's the longest ever. let me see. i talked to naqia, angelo, suhaimi, rouning, johnston, zhenying, yao jie, renee, yu jia and ms y. not that much people to talk to considering the time. i've done my essay during this 8h duration i am in the computer so talked less. it's like the time i needed to sleep. no wonder i feel so awake. i took a long time cause i used a two online translators a computer dictionary and a manual dictionary at hand. i had to cross reference because i just do not trust the internet. it is the lousiest machine in the world.

anyways, talked to yao jie while both of us were watching final destination. it's a super corny movie. but its kinda scary and bloody. yet, like what yao jie said, the graphics was ok. renee gave a lecture about wisdom tooth.tried to have a decent conversation with ms y but that proved to be impossible.

my back is aching, my ass hurts and i can feel a shift in temperature (i am alone. jumping at every sound i hear and staring curiously at the shadows. heart racing very fast) so i am turning in for bed. a pleasant night to everyone.

peace out

2006-02-09T22:28:00.000+08:00

dearest 4a

sorry for my selfish act today. i will not disclose the reasons and what sinful acts i have commited. i know that it is of no use that i apologise without knowing the cause, but i would rather tell you directly than say it here. well you can ask politely if ever you see trudging along at school right. this contrition goes only to my class alone because it is the only class the i hate, love and care for [?]. i have sinned againts others who are of my level and to the sec 5s but i have no forethoughts of them.

till the next time we see each other in the next world. best regards

goodbye cruel world

eunice

there you go. an advanced suicide letter. cool huh. i wonder if suicide letters could be written in blogs. then you hang yourself with the computer open. will it compromise authencity. i guess so. CSIs always analyze authencity in the most critical stage so i guess it would not work. i mean somebody could have killed me and just written the note. maybe forced entry, bruises and absence suicidal marks would testify to that. oh men i am thinking too much.

no, i am not suicidal. i am the most jovial girl in the world. the aunty vendor in out school store will concur to that. we are always shreaking in chorus when i notice that my favorite food is on the menu. she even knows when i don't come down and eat for reccess as i am one of her most "cheerful" costumers [as stated by the aunty herself]. even though i see sad people like jessica and ms y (not really) scowl all day long i won't be affected. even though there are these tearing amd intense conversations between raizal and melissa i would still happily munch down on my bun and comment happily beaming at everyone like one demented arse. people of my kind, joyce [fmss] and mrs. s are always happy and contented in life. even though sometimes it's a different story in the inside.

happy french

2006-02-06T15:33:00.000+08:00

YYYYYAAAAAHHHHOOOOO!!!!! WWWEEEEPPPPPYYYYYY!!!!! WEEEHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHH!!!! HHHOOOOOHHHHHAAAAA!!!! YYYEEEEAAAAHHHHEEEYYYY!!! YYYYEEEHHHAAAAAA!!!!! WWWWWOOOOOOO!!! WWOOOOAAAAHHHHHOOOOWWW!!!

Okay people! I am fine. Yes and I am not crazy. I do not have any plans to visit the asylum sooner or later. I am just happy! I mean I am just dementedly euphoric. You know me and what I do when I am happy right? I get little bit over the edge. Well, maybe that’s an understatement but it is vindicated. That is my only rationale for acting psychotic today.

I can imagine that disoriented face of yours staring in confusion at the screen. Since that is the case, I shall narrate to you the account of this phenomenon. Bear with me please! This is going to be miles from here.

Before the start of the year, my French teacher, Monsieur Gilbert, had called me and asked which class I prefer to be posted to next year. I told him that I am only free on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 1630. I was flabbergasted when I learnt that I am now attending the Wednesday and Friday classes at 1430 (school has just ended at this time)! Furthermore, the incompetent administrator told me to go to the wrong class! I was so embarrassed walking into the class and disturbing their progress.

I went for the next class I had. I was sent to the HOD for being absent and not bringing an excuse letter! I mean it was not my fault! The HOD, Madamoiselle Au, also scolded me for my "dismal behaviour and attendance". The exact words. I remembered it because of her crisp, hair-rising, curt and outstanding articulation! My God! She speaks both French and English flawlessly! Unbelievable! I was dumbstruck and rooted on the ground! No wonder she is not married at this age of 4o +! Who could stand that kind of mouth! Instead of throwing my tantrums and stumping away, I was stupefied.

I submitted a class transfer form so that I can relieve my jumbled time table. But still, the teacher assigned me for a Wednesday class which is CCA day (my favorite day, don't ask why). OK, getting warmer here. I called the MOE Language Centre but there was no answer. When at last somebody had picked up, he asked me to call the French department. When I called the French department, they said the class transfer person in charge has left (as you can imagine, I experienced a violent convulsion after slamming the phone, I mean clicking disconnect button).

The email was my last resort and I gave it a shot. I sent the most formal letter I have ever written (to a real person, not those excruciating exercises given by Mrs. Ang, my most beloved English teacher). And yes! They replied! I have left early today from school dreading to go for French when I saw the reply sent by the lovely (I have never seen her yet, but since she fulfilled my inner most desires, I am going to call her lovely) Madamoiselle Teo. She wrote this :

Eunice Paola Ramos Lacoste F4D,
Your new class is F4I, Tue-Thu, 4h30-6h30, Lab2/303.
Please print this message and give it to your new class teacher.

Yes!!! I am so happy. F4I is the class that Brian, Marry Ann and Erica is attending! I can be with my precious friends! I do not have to look imbecilic and stare at the teacher when she asks uncomprehensible questions all alone! I have Brian to do that with me! In addition, with Marry Ann and Erica's super-translator brains, I will not have any problem with my class tests! At ease soldier!

So there you go. A lovely fairytale story where all your dreams can come true! I was so happy that I ran all around the house, did some back rolls (since I cannot do cartwheels like those soccer players when the score goals) shouted into the pillow so my sleeping mother would only hear my muffled scream, danced around my sister's room and slipped on the floor, jumped up and down in spite of my throbbing ass and crashed and slumped into the computer chair gasping for breath, fagged out. Now that’s what you call celebration.

jermaine's barbeque

2006-02-05T09:46:00.000+08:00

oh the beauty of life. bittersweet. always mixed with exhilaration and weariness. happiness and problems always hanging in the air. alternate uplifts and downfalls. from zenith to nadir and back and beyond.
yesterday i went out with jermaine, yuanlong, cheryl, adeline, and salome to bp plaza (the usual and only convinient hangout. with its cheapness and accesibility). ate at kfc, what we tought to be a tranquil place betrayed us and turned out to be quite disasterous when the lion dance demented the whole place. the most appaling performance i have seen so far. i was so revolted that i choked on my "fish ole" a couple of times, and i splashed tar tar sauce on my pearly white (yeah right) uniform! after all that, we of what accompanied adeline to buy her philosophy orange bag. then just looked around thinking of what present to buy.

i went back to school with nick to do something for ms c. i was tired but it was okay. we had a good time trying to figure how to operate the stupid weather measuring box (that's not the real name, i just do not know what it is called). i also gave ms y back the magazine. i say, it was a truly inspiring testimonial. it was touching and it was really sad. just that she reminded me of sir Job. it's painful just reading it. then i 'interviewed(?)" her. how's the visa coming along, which part of australia is she going, what school and all that. went home with ms c after that.

today had barbeque at jermaines house. we literally starved in her computer room as we played bridge. that's because the barbeque party was actually for her sisters class. that's weird huh. well we had fun inspite of the rumblings inside our emplty domes. we played fire crackers at the park and it popped on my hand! i had to go back to jermaine's house and get first aid. nurse jermaine took care of me and gave me a lollypop. then we went back to the park took part in the swing olympics (who can swing the highest, of course i won), the yuanlong see saw challenge (nobody was fit enough to stay stable on one side of the see saw while yuanlong was on the other side. he use hand the whole see saw can shake already!) and chippy the hamster challlenge which without doubt, jermaine had conquered. after that, they sent me to the bus stop as i need to get home by 2130.

stress

2006-02-04T12:31:00.000+08:00

i do not know. seriously. i think that this year is more hectic than the preceding one. i mean i had been busy for all the time last year but i felt it was unproductive effort. however, for the past month i've done almost all of my homework in time. well, some assignments, like for history and a SINGLE workdsheet in maths, i have not passsed up. and yes, i've done atrociously for all my class tests. but i feel like i'm at least achieving something. yes, just a feeling. french is a different story of course. still, i have a long way to go. i must study vigorously day and night. nah, not night. i'll save night time for much needed rest. i am trying to keep a uniform sleeping habit by lying down at 2o3o and waking up at o7oo. unbelievable huh. but it works. somehow i am more active at lesson. well, despite the fact that zhenying is sitting beside me. i mean who can sleep when you're sitting beside a person like zhenying. on the contrary, one would probably get hyperactive just by sitting with her. anyways, sleeping and waking at a fixed time should curb my insomnia. no i do not think i'm suffering from it. just that i hate waking up tired and still sleepy. it makes life less humorous. some thing like this blog. yes maybe i should type something hilarious next time.

death

2006-02-01T18:39:00.000+08:00

death. the point where our abrupt life ends. our clouded life. too fast for us to analyze our needs and wants. too brusk to achieve all our goals. too quick to be able to stop and say hello. too scant to be able to stop and say goodbye. too agile to say i love you. too sudden to say i am sorry. death is the limit. where everything stops. done bun can't be undone. what is not done can't be done. no more caresses from mom. no more rides with dad. no more hugs from little jenny. no more stories from grandpa. no more cookies from aunt betty. no more chats with rochelle. no more kisses from sam. no more bitter medicine. no more muscle cramps. no more bills. no more debts. no more sweat. no more. no more. no more. imprisoned inside an ornamented coffin. burried under the earth. where we can never see the light. where darkness lingers forever. compliments carved on a tombstone that soon everyone will forget.

death. the new begining. the fresh start. the adventure to the other world. where no living human has ever been. where all animosity and adversity are diminshed. where gold is like any ordinary stone. where paradize is just around the corner. the sweet air. the birds. the butterflies. the tranquality. the eternity. how long is the journey, no one knows. but we will get there. everyone will.

death. those who refuse to believe is sent to the opposite world. of destruction. uncurable diseases. unquenchable fire. crawling bugs. rivers of blood. gnashing of teeth. torns, spikes, blades. a bottomless pit. an eternal suffering.

death. a hunter. a collector. a new path. the narrow or wide gate. which one? which one? which one? you should have made you decision long ago. hurry hurry hurry. is it too late?

death.

haha

2006-01-29T18:09:00.000+08:00

RELIEF.
i found the keys!it's been bothering me for ages (as stated in previous post)!it was in my bag all along! i was so scared! this key actually opens the picasso room. i borrowed it last thursday because i need materials to create a banner for the drama performance for chinese new year celebreation. the the owner of the key (a teacher) was saying in front of two individuals that i am dependable and that she trust me. she told me to take the keys home and return it to her the next day as she is leaving early. suddenly, i just forgot where i put when i reached home that faithful day. i was so distressed. her words keep on rewinding itself in my mind; "i only trust eunice... i only trust eunice... i only trust eunice..." honestly, i am one irresponsible person. heck! it's not my problem that i have short term memory. i was shocked actually at one time when a teacher praised me for being responsible! unbelievable. well i have a life. i don't mourn over the fact that i am forgetful. but i do something to cope with that problem. in that sense you can call me responsible. yet there are still extreme cases that it's inevitable. eventhough i like taking assignments, i try to minimize my voluteerings as i cannot handle huge jobs. sigh, it is hard to be marginalized.

church was like 'whoa' today. i mean it is like the fewest number of attendance i have encountered so far in this church. faith comunity baptist church is the second largest church here in singapore (i think). over eleven thousand people come for service every week. today, max pavillion was just so empty. it feels like only five hundred people came. however, i was able to get a sit in the front row! a wonderful experience. i almost turned deaf. ten amplifiers were blasting in front of my face! i could feel my pants vibrate. the really cool thing is that i can see rev eugene seow's face. i mean the screens were still there but i could see him upclose and personal. the sermon was about celebrating the family. you know, the fifth comandment about respecting you parents. i think i will continue and try my best to respect them. otherwise, the consequences are drastic. read your bible and you will know.

another wonderful day.

charity rue

2006-01-28T19:21:00.000+08:00

what a nice day. peaceful and tranquil. insignificant yet exhilarating. reposeful yet engaging. paradoxical huh.

i've been doing work the whole day. still, you must understand that if you like what you are doing and you are doing what you like, it seems as if life is like a recreation. so you ask, what have i been doing? well, i've been working on my farewell scrapbook project for half of the day. i read the newspaper a while ago. i also put in use the english gramar book that was rendered to me during the salvation army charity drive.

can you believe it? i was doing a charity drive and i plundered stuff from the charity items! well not exactly, the person-in-charge gave it to me without her superior's notice. i was thinking if i did not accept this, it might be, at this moment, present in better hands or someone who needed it more than me. however, the book has provided me with loads of valuable information that is what i exactly needed. so in conclusion, the pludering act is vindicated right? right!

even so, i am bothered with the usual reason that made me upset. this reason, i cannot disclose as i will be in deep trouble if i do. i have yet examined this problem of mine as i am petrified of it's consequences if it appears to be genuine. yes, i am bothered over something which might not be existant at all. it's the same situation as being afraid of a ghost. you figure out the rest, aye?

well nothing else to blabber about. might as well resign.

alor, aurevior es tous!

cny

2006-01-27T13:55:00.000+08:00

a felicitous new year to everyone. nothing much to talk about. i mean, i have TONNES of things to talk about. things that is buried deep in my heart that disoblige me greatly. nevertheless, this cyber webpage that is much open to the public is not the place that i have trust in. my diary is collecting dust as i am too lazy to write. i am suppose to go to a cell meeting around 3pm but now that i had mentioned the taboo word - lazy - i have not much interest in going out of the house or even getting up in this comfortable chair that i am in. yes, here me rattle on about nonsense. i only do this for the sake of practising my english and to update my ageing blog.

well now what shall we talk about today. what about the embarrassment of going on stage with the whole class and sing an incomprehensible song because if you don't, you might feel guilty of standing up with your class. well it was okay if i am positioned far behind those cheesy people who had decided that this is just another chance to unite one another, but no, my face is exposed to the whole world as i am placed in front. well, i felt that if i didn't go our dearest form teacher would condemn me. that is just my assumption. he does look down to people who are infidel. so what can i do? but honestly, it is okay for me. i am just complaining for the sake of being able to put some contents on this corny blog.

another subject that we must talk about is non other than my drama club's performance. once again, we manifested our talents in front of the crowd. well it was not as good as our previous performances. it was average. i am partly responsible and to be blamed for this fiasco. i backed out. yes, it is a thing that i would not usually do but did so. i just do not feel like acting for this time round. i am already to exposed and i wanted others, like marx, to have a chance. another rationale is that i think the script is nada. sorry but i thought it was. not to hurt the feelings of those who contributed. and i know i should not judge as i myself did not help with the script. yet again i did not assist them with writing the script as i felt i should let other people try. i gave reasons like: i am a christian and my faith denounces horoscopes therefore i chose not to. well that IS TRUE. though i only thought of that reason for the last minute. however, my mom actually forbade me to join. so, there it goes. anyways, the sec ones are doing quite good. especially syaza. superb i say.

i gave mr amin and ms yee hong paos. well it should be the other way round but hell with that. i am going to miss this two dearly as they are going overseas to study. that ms yee especially. she was like "this is my last performance with all of you" and i was like "GO AWAY LAH!!!". i mean, i feel so bad and dismayed that she is leaving. i have been living the last months of last year in that state and it worsens every passing day. she, on the other hand, magnifies this demoralization. yes, i know what you are thinking! EVIL! i thought so too. but do not say that because if you do i am going to beat you till you bleed.

a lot of alumni came back. one such beloved alum is dawina who is my sister in drama. khadijah, my most beloved lost friend who was looking for her most beloved norazura came too. i miss them so much! joyce did not come as she thinks that going back at this time is of no significance. plus, she just got her operation therefore she needs to rest. habel did not go, though his friend hafiz, azree and shadiqin were present. this is because he is engrossed in work. naqia is studying and therefore is unable to come. well, that is okay with me as they are coming back on the tenth of febuary.

well, that is all i have in store.

peace out y'all

here it goes again

2006-01-21T09:46:00.000+08:00

oh dear
there it goes again
infected
my wounds are throbing
missed you so much
the knife retreated
i tried to critisize
to hate
verbally
just to forget
but the wave gushed in suddenly
the impact never as strong
so you've been summoning
your forces
my sheild is broken
my house is run down
i am going to rebuild again
so goodbye
and memories will always stay

high

2006-01-12T16:26:00.000+08:00

what the hell!
bad day today.
shit all the fucking people out there.
wish i could stop cursing.
i hate french.

suddenly, i miss you.
its been too long
its been too near
all i want is to stay clear

insomnia

2006-01-08T17:29:00.000+08:00

have decided what will my topic be for my 'o' level art course. insomnia. its the first thing that came to my mind this morning after reading a few pages of stephen king's likewise book. i'll try to put in as much faith as possible. i can do this. all i need is some stolen ideas and i'm off to getting and a1. hopefully. what i actually mean is on my knees praying that i'll get an a. but really, faith will be paid for right? right?